ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local punk Shannon Kildare adheres to a unique, and potentially damaging, meal regimen of a granola bar and three beers before attending…
TOKYO — Trash stacking Olympian for Team USA, and resented roommate, Erica Forman qualified for the Tokyo 2020 finals of Stacking Trash On Top of…
DALLAS — Local woman Claudia Rodriguez was stunned this afternoon upon receiving an email approving maintenance for an apartment she has not lived in since…
GLEN HEAD, N.Y. — 30-year-old Melissa Crawford made her long awaited debut as the family drunken mess at her cousin’s Great Gatsby themed wedding this…
ASTORIA, Ore. — Beginner survivalist Ethan Foster quickly forgot which of the two bodily wastes was sterile, piss or shit, while traversing his first expedition,…
PHILADELPHIA — Shiko Dikaoni fell to pieces after glimpsing their reflection in the mirror in the middle of the night when getting up to pee…
What the hell are you talking about?! My self-care cannot be self-harm. That would be impossible. Nobody cares more about me than me. Look, you…
SEATTLE — Overambitious elder millennial Janine Angler was released from the hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery after standing at the…
Did we just discover the next Greta Thunberg? This 32-year-old environmental conservation warrior is keeping his carbon footprint small by using the same Spider-Man beach…
SEATTLE — Local homebody Jenny Wellmeyer experienced generalized anxiety due to the overwhelming pressure to go do something outside while the weather was absolutely gorgeous,…
LOS ANGELES — Local therapist Dr. Dana Therenspoon gave their patient exactly one month to live during a routine check-in, after months of increasingly lame…
I don’t want to brag, but I have figured out the secret to life. I know how to keep it all together, now. It’s not…
PITTSBURGH — Local punk Sam Allister’s life built entirely on doing things out of spite for the extreme bitterness of this fucked world is actually…
TORONTO — A recent trip to an out-of-town Subway made you realize how much better managed it is than the Subway you normally eat at…
Whether you’re trying to class up your parents’ basement, a squat, or a humble street corner, there is no denying the sense of luxury a…