Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes
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Aries (March 21-April 19) While it is true that the stars don’t know everything, they do know that you are,…
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Tag: hardcore
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Stubborn Balding Punk Down to 2/3 of a Mohawk
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ATLANTA -— Stubborn, delusional punk Drew Blaney, who has lost a third of his mohawk due to his receding hairline,…
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Capitalism Survives Anarchist Bike Collective’s Brutal Zine Campaign
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EUGENE, Ore. — Anarcho-bike collective Skid Stop made a surprising daylight attack on capitalism today, dropping off at Berkman’s Books…
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Stranded Death Metal Band Resorts to Cannibalism Before Considering Any Other Options
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MOLINE, Ill. — Touring death metal band Spoilation reportedly wasted little time before eating drummer Vic Walsh after their tour…
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Man Terrified of Commitment Doesn’t Realize He Has 5 Months to Live Anyway
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MESA, Ariz. — Local man Russell Garcia is worried his six-week-old relationship could “turn into something more serious that will…
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Record Store Finally Sells Last Stock of 2015 RSD Exclusives
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TACOMA, Wash. — Blue Note Records employees celebrated a major milestone this afternoon when the last remaining album from the…
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Record Store Dispatches Weird Guy to Flip Through Same Stack of Records You Are
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GREELEY, Colo. — Employees at the Needle Exchange record store dispatched a weird guy moments ago to stand uncomfortably close…
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Nunchucks Fulfill Destiny of Being Traded for Weed
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SANTA ROSA, Calif. — Prep cook and marijuana enthusiast Alan Fisher inadvertently used his nunchucks for their deeper, lifelong purpose…
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Deployed Stoner Blazes It At 16:20
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ANSBACH, GERMANY — Indianapolis-born stoner Pvt. Jason Jordan is “lighting up a nice fatty” at 16:20 every day as he…
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Clean Bedroom Excited to Meet Potential Sexual Partner
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BOISE, Idaho — The freshly cleaned bedroom of local woman Megan O’Leary is “anxiously excited” to meet O’Leary’s potential sexual…
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