Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mercury is finally out of the dickhead zone for you, so enjoy the reprieve. Use the time to subject everyone to your pop-punk cover of Good Kid, M.A.A.D City, and go ahead and recite stand-up routines as original thoughts while you’re at it — most people have learned to just tune you out by now anyway.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You may be feeling a little unusual lately, Taurus. The new moon earlier this week has you susceptible to anything off, so make sure to not eat whatever random shit you keep finding in the tour van for the next few days.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You may want to keep your thoughts to your fucking self this week for once, Gemini. You kept your mouth shut when your roommate tried to bring back bucket hats and JNCO jeans, so we know you can do it. Maybe now isn’t the best time to stage an intervention about their crust punk phase — it’s THEIR journey, not yours. So stop acting like a Capricorn, and just be cool.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Astrological readings can sometimes be vague and hard to interpret, but this week, the cosmos are singing loud and clear… and they are definitely calling you a poser.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Despite having kept your cool lately, you’ll find it extra hard to control your temper this week, Leo… so just make sure not to lash out at the wrong person. You don’t want to get left behind in Rhode Island for a third time, do you?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Just let it go, Virgo. Stop holding onto the past. Those Vans with the hole in the bottom? That you keep in the back of the closet? Waiting for “the exact right amount” to finally retire them? They’ve got to go. Throw them out, Virgo. You’re gross. It’s time.
Libra (September 23- October 22)
You’ve been quiet all year, and it’s time to put your wisdom into action, Libra. You’re too intelligent and articulate to NOT share your views online. It’s been a while since you’ve talked to your estranged cousin from Missouri, anyway — take the lead and start another gun control debate on his Facebook wall. Get the ball rolling. A dialogue will bring you closer together.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
A deep, water sign, you represent the mysterious, hard-shelled scorpion… which is fitting, given the wicked case of scabies you haven’t told anyone about since Saturn went into Capricorn. There’s no sense in telling that touring band you said could crash on your couch at this point — this sort of thing usually takes care of itself anyway. Right?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As an adventurous Sag, you’ll need more drugs this month than usual… so take time this week to plan a trip to an outdoor fest, like Burning Man or Coachella — both perfect venues for showing off that pyramid-studded sleeveless vest we all know you definitely haven’t “had since the ’90s.” Get yourself a fat bag of Foxy and just lean into it.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Look out! Venus is fucking Mars in the bathroom of the house show that is your life, so use the opportunity to practice open communication and advocate for your needs. Do whatever you gotta do. Just make sure they stop — that shirtless dude looks like he’s got a bad one brewing.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You might find yourself dealing with a lot of confrontation this week, Aquarius. You might have, maybe, “accidentally” copied your friend’s cool new eagle tattoo, and it’s safe to say that they have DEFINITELY noticed. Sure, you only call that particular “friend” for weed anyway… but apologies are in order, so just fake your way through that shit and keep that connect like your ability to fall asleep depends on it.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Today is a day to take risks, Pisces. The sun is slowly coming back out, and with it, your Kevin Smith-like jorts… so now’s as good a time as ever to openly admit how much you enjoy Enema of the State — your true friends will love and accept the “new” you. Embrace it.