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Capitalism Survives Anarchist Bike Collective’s Brutal Zine Campaign

EUGENE, Ore. — Anarcho-bike collective Skid Stop made a surprising daylight attack on capitalism today, dropping off at Berkman’s Books more than 20 copies of their zine criticizing the global capitalist economic structure, stunned eyewitnesses confirmed.

The attack, described as “nearly 25 pages of absolutely savage dialectic abuse,” left capitalism a bit annoyed but largely unshaken.

“Regular day at the bookstore, yeah? Out of nowhere, this guy rolls up on a fixed gear and drops off 23 poorly photocopied zines re-hashing Ted Kaczynski’s ideas, minus the Harvard-educated background,” said patron Kristina Ramirez. “It was unrelenting — I can still smell the patchouli. Thankfully, the attack wasn’t any worse; I could still purchase a coffee from the Java Hut next door.”

Some felt the savage act was long overdue.

“While the attack was largely ineffective in a practical sense, it stands as a beacon of light in a sea of darkness… guiding wayward souls towards the safe waters of true freedom,” said self-described anarchist Nikki McPherson. “Freedom from bosses, freedom from cops, and freedom from having to pay fines for noise violations. This was a warning shot to capitalism. It might not be so lucky when we anarchists get an email newsletter set up.”

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Local detective Ronald Tam-Rowland was one of the first officials on the scene, and believes the act could threaten the very fabric of the American family.

“People don’t realize the damage they can do with something like this. What if a child found this zine? What if that child was going to grow up to be a college-educated, money-bags type?” said the detective. “Now what? He’s gonna open up a café somewhere in Southeast Portland called ‘Red Star’ or some nonsense like that instead… then maybe start some sort of punk band? It could’ve been a disaster.”

Reports show that capitalism is fully recovered and remains largely indifferent to the additional five subsequent zines released in the wake of “Skid Stop the State: An Anarcho-Cyclists Critique of Late-Capitalist Bike Markets.”

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