NEW YORK — A decades-long climate change study commissioned by the Environmental Protection Agency and released earlier today confirmed what many have long suspected: New…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Employees of the Sunny Side Inn discovered this morning that touring rock’n’roll band The Squashers viciously destroyed their room online, leaving a…
MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Milo Aukerman, licensed biochemist and lead singer of seminal punk band the Descendents, announced that he will return to college to…
FORT WORTH, Texas – A local anarchist stole and destroyed several pounds of gluten at an industrial bakery yesterday in a misguided, good-faith effort to…
BALTIMORE — Local crust punk and self-proclaimed gentleman Jason Kirkby laid his Capitalist Casualties butt flap over a puddle last night to protect his date,…
CUPERTINO, Calif. – Apple, Inc. announced an update for the popular GarageBand music software that will automatically export finished tracks directly into the Trash folder…
Over the decades since its creation, hardcore’s landscape has changed dramatically. Bands have come and gone, broken up and reunited, and once-legendary frontmen have been…
SHEBOYGAN, Wis. — Up-and-coming hardcore band Fistface are unsure what to do with a guest vocalist who has grossly overstayed his invite to their studio,…
TORONTO – Long-time renter Alana Murphy downloaded and installed the classic PC game The Sims earlier this week to get a glimpse into the thrilling…
YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Drummer Andy Brewster of local punk band Burner Phone has allegedly ruined his mother’s “good rug” in trying to keep his kit…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump honored disgraced civil rights activist Rachel Dolezal in a speech celebrating Black History Month earlier today, recognizing her vast contributions…
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — 24-year-old Jonathan Warner chained himself to his Macbook Pro earlier this week to protest “everything that’s going on in the world,”…
JONES BEACH, N.Y. — A three-mile-long trash heap of discarded show flyers is floating off the coast of Long Island, oceanographers have confirmed. The scientists…
WASHINGTON — Following yet another contentious press conference, the White House criticized media outlets across the nation earlier today for completely distorting President Donald J.…
WASHINGTON — The Trump Administration announced plans earlier today to build a “big, beautiful” paywall around the White House website. Officials confirmed IT professionals are…