PORT CHARLOTTE, Fla. — Local housecat Poobies was the only resident of 62 South Woodside Drive that contributed to cleaning up a pile of vomit…
WHEELING, W.V. — Local woman and drug enthusiast Lindsey Cruz reportedly turned down the opportunity to trip balls for less than $4 last night, thanks…
PHILADELPHIA — The entire punk scene of Philadelphia resolved today that promoter, producer, and overall pillar of the scene Stevie Bryant is “completely unbookable,” hushed…
SAN DIEGO — Drummer and quiet introvert Don Scarpelli acted strangely on Saturday night after entering the blacklight-filled basement of his friend’s kegger, confused partygoers…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local showgoer Alex Andrade ventured off to the restroom last night in hopes of finding a toilet seat that “felt just right,…
MINNEAPOLIS — A guitarist for local metal outfit Goat Theory was fired last week, forced to shave his beard and return it to the group…
WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local punk Niles Torsten displayed the “LOV” and “HAT” tattoos on his gnarled fingers last night while warning partygoers about improper…
MESA, Ariz. — Local man Jeffrey Woodward is running out of good sides of his mouth to chew with, thanks to his lack of dental…
WASHINGTON — Pop-punk frontmen from around the country marched in the nation’s capital today advocating for the federal minimum age of consent to be lowered…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Pop-punk frontman and legal adult Brandon DeMarco combed through his teen girlfriend’s diary last night for inspiration, in a desperate attempt to…
FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. — A bowl of overnight oats successfully converted last week into a barely recognizable “glob of total shit” nearly one month…
OMAHA, Neb. — A decades-old Rancid T-shirt finally crossed the threshold last week from a piece of dingy, raggedy garbage that offended all who gazed…
FILLMORE, Minn. — Researchers confirmed today that crust punk James “Pyrofuck” Polinita is officially the first human completely immune to Chronic Wasting Disease — popularly…
HOUSTON — Tragedy nearly stuck at a nearby Long John Silver’s last Sunday when no concerned patrons or workers felt comfortable administering CPR on choking…
AUCKLAND, N.Z. — Property developers demolishing iconic local venue the Queens Arms sold the impossibly sticky floor to an international flypaper manufacturer on Wednesday, as…