DALEVILLE, Va. — Local metal fan Cliff Gallaway mistakenly drank an entire bottle of high-end shampoo in the shower this morning instead of the Coors tallboy he normally enjoys during his bi-montly cleaning, nauseous roommates confirmed.
“I was just trying to relax with a shower soda before I had to go clock in for my deli job at Kroger, so I was in a bit of a rush,” explained Gallaway. “At first I thought I had pulled one of those nasty wine coolers out of the fridge by mistake, but by the time I looked down I realized I actually downed my roommate’s entire bottle of Chic & Sassy shampoo. I’ll admit, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever drunk. But hey, if I didn’t call poison control that time I swallowed all those watch batteries I thought were fancy mints, I’m not going to do it now.”
Roommate Ramona Betts, however, was not amused.
“Normally I wouldn’t give a shit what Cliff puts into his body. But that shampoo is an artisan crafted, organic blend of eucalyptus oil and fig resin that I stole from a hotel last year. It probably costs like, $400 or some shit,” bemoaned Betts. “How the hell did that idiot manage to mix up my shampoo with a $2 can of Coors? I swear, I’m never renting to people I met at an Opeth concert ever again.”
Chic & Sassy’s Chairman and CEO Rick Lansing assured that there was no cause for alarm regarding the shampoo’s toxicity.
“All of our company’s bath products are 100% natural and safe to ingest. We don’t recommend it, however, and are in no way liable for any illness that may arise in Mr. Gallaway,” stated Lansing, reading off a note passed to him by Chic & Sassy’s legal team. “Out of all the stuff that metalheads consume anyway, is this really that bad? It might even help clean him out a bit. Oh, which reminds me: his roommates should stock up on toilet paper, because he’s gonna be in the bathroom for at least 24 hours after drinking a whole bottle of this stuff. It may not be poison, but it sure is rough on the gut.”
Gallaway has since been hospitalized after downing an entire bottle of what he thought was Jack Daniels, but was actually the cremated remains of his roommate’s cat.