TEMPE, Ariz. — Self-appointed master of thrifting Ryan Lowell is reportedly exhausted from explaining his craft to uneducated crowds low-balling him on his vintage resell…
YORBA LINDA, Calif. — Sony Music Group announced the acquisition of all recorded works and songwriting property of metalcore outfit Atreyu in a staggering deal…
PORTLAND — Local man Dave Hart decided to take the initiative and saturate himself with copious amounts of beer prior to the show he’ll be…
LAS VEGAS — Radio rock stalwarts The Killers apologized to fans yesterday morning after realizing that they missed an obvious, optimal rhyme in their legendary…
HOUSTON — Local death metal outfit Baby Skullcrusher announced via social media that they are changing their name to Goatopsy after years of playing under…
LOS ANGELES — An ominous and plentiful crest of white smoke poured out of podcaster and “Jackass” star Steve-O’s thoroughly misused and ill-treated ass signifying…
SAN DIEGO — Music identification software Shazam faced an ethical dilemma today, ultimately failing to disclose the song playing at Marshalls late yesterday afternoon due…
WARREN, N.J. — Local punk drummer Brad “The Worm” Jones reportedly advocates for wealth redistribution and violence against the rich with the exception of current…
PONTIAC, Mich. — Local punk Vince Vanderberg was shocked when the results of a DNA ancestry kit revealed he had goth roots via the mother’s…
LOS ANGELES — Local fitness enthusiast Gene Davidson is reportedly entering the third hour of an absurdly low-speed chase trying to recover a runaway AirPod…
DETROIT — Juggalo scientists reportedly made a “major breakthrough” in their tireless efforts to finally answer the question that has plagued the Juggalo community for…
Excitement of Band Coming to Town Snuffed Out by Thought of Leaving House to See Band Coming to Town
Excitement of Band Coming to Town Snuffed Out by Thought of Leaving House to See Band Coming to Town
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The excited feeling local punk Cassie Ringo felt when learning of a band coming to town was immediately overpowered by the…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local single woman Maya Cook is taking technology into her own hands after having become frustrated with the amount of time she…
NEW YORK — New safe injection site, Harm Reduction and Education Center, was deemed “fascist” by Marcus “Scuzz” Benitez after refusing to let him put…
OKLAHOMA CITY — Your horny aunt Gladys created an air of tension after expressing a deep and carnal interest in your Type O Negative shirt…