CHICAGO — Local music aficionado Jeff Riley stands accused today of repeatedly sending unsolicited band recommendations to multiple irritated acquaintances, local authorities report. “This asshole…
SANTE FE, N.M. — A coworker you loathed with every fiber of your being strutted around your funeral yesterday telling everyone you were “the greatest…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local marketing associate and Black person Imani Phillips found yesterday that her iPhone X’s storage is almost entirely full of overly supportive…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk band Bait and Snitch admitted today that they are really now more of a punk Dungeons and Dragons group now after…
BOISE, Idaho — Local bored woman Mona Trevino has quietly re-followed all of the messy, oversharing friends on Facebook she previously unfollowed after exhausting every…
WASHINGTON — The new viral bombshell “Plandemic” has revealed a simple, shocking truth: that all of your friends are dribbling, incognizant fucking morons who are…
ALBANY, N.Y. — Roommates Jonah Gray and Nic Shore have become fast friends under New York State’s PAUSE order by simply reinforcing each other’s drinking…
JACKSON, Miss. — A recent tarot card reading from obviously hungover woman Divina Roth was actually little more than a recount of the Ross/Rachel storyline…
PHILADELPHIA — Your friend Bella Dubois is reportedly now back with her old band The New Babies, leaving you feeling like an idiot for all…
PHILADELPHIA — Your friends Amber Lakely and Kevin Vasquez promised you today that you wouldn’t feel like a third wheel if you join their weekly…
ISLAND PARK, N.Y. — Adult punk with a secret, Christian past Steve Phelan is referring to his old church youth group as the “local scene”…
DUNWOODY, Ga. — Recently dumped dirtbag Jimmy Crocetta is allegedly hoping his ex-girlfriend Christina Jindra will want to still remain friends, send him nudes, and…
BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local punk Divida “Ratkeys” Pilucci was pleasantly surprised this summer upon returning home and finally connecting with her grandparents over their…
EVANSTON, Ill. — A group of friends who have been “practically inseparable” since their freshman year of high school are looking forward to hanging out…
KYOTO, Japan — During a Nintendo Direct press conference this morning, the company announced the new Nintendo Phone, a smartphone only capable of making calls…