UKIAH, Calif. — Local showgoer Ernie Morales lamented the fact he is almost certainly contracting the coronavirus delta variant while attending an avant-garde noise show…
Prepare to have your faith in humanity restored! When neighbors found out that 87-year-old Sacramento resident Robert Manzana needed help to pay for his insulin,…
Punk Saves Thousands in Medical Bills by Dying
WESTBURY, N.Y. — Multiple despondent mourners confirmed that local punk “Fast” Eddie Gwan recently saved thousands if not more in expensive preventative care by simply…
Nurse in Tokyo Holds Up iPad to Show COVID Patient Peacock Ratings Bump in Final Moments
TOKYO — A nurse at St. Luke’s International Hospital in Tokyo comforted a dying COVID patient by showing him the recent Peacock ratings bump on…
6 Amazing Taco Bell Hacks From My Dad’s Video Will
Fast food is all about reliability, but sometimes you crave something new and exciting. That’s why we’re sharing six mind-blowing hacks you can use to…
Man On His Deathbed Still Saving Fully Charged Meter Attack
ROCHESTER, Minn. — Dying 80-year-old man Rex Titus revealed to friends and family today that, after a decade of battling heart disease, he is still…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Kelly Cruz’s recent unemployment status has her overwatered houseplants praying she finds a job before she drowns them all, the…
Trump’s Approval Rating Reportedly 40% Among Last Remaining American
WASHINGTON — President Trump’s approval rating has failed to crack the 40% mark among the last remaining American who managed to survive the pandemic and…
Punk’s Retirement Plan Hinges On Dying Young
TULSA, Okla. — Local punk Eddie Abrams’s plans to retire are reportedly contingent upon his dying young and nothing else, according to a meeting with…
DAYTON, Ohio — Terminally ill child Marcus Walsh received a visit from WWE legend John Cena this week, but couldn’t be bothered to smile or…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Recently deceased man Jerry Davidson confessed on his deathbed last week that Juggalos, the clown-faced fans of Insane Clown Posse, are an…
Scientists Predict Climate Change to Turn Quarter-life Crisis Into Midlife Crisis
WASHINGTON — A harrowing new study by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency found that the encroaching threat of climate change will turn what would be…
BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local punk Divida “Ratkeys” Pilucci was pleasantly surprised this summer upon returning home and finally connecting with her grandparents over their…
Keith Richards Unaware He’s on Farewell Tour
LONDON — Legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is completely oblivious that he will soon embark on his final string of performances, confirmed the Lord…
ORLANDO, Fla. — Metalhead Brad Fetterman spent several hours yesterday sewing the sleeves back on to his finest Dying Fetus T-shirt in preparation for his…