Mark Hassenfratz
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TULSA, Okla. — Local punk Eddie Abrams’s plans to retire are reportedly contingent upon his dying young and nothing else,…
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Dan Luberto
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DAYTON, Ohio — Terminally ill child Marcus Walsh received a visit from WWE legend John Cena this week, but couldn’t…
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Patrick Coyne
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BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Recently deceased man Jerry Davidson confessed on his deathbed last week that Juggalos, the clown-faced fans of…
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Jeremy Kaplowitz
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WASHINGTON — A harrowing new study by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency found that the encroaching threat of climate change…
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Tiana Miller
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BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local punk Divida “Ratkeys” Pilucci was pleasantly surprised this summer upon returning home and finally connecting…
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Mike Moran
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LONDON — Legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is completely oblivious that he will soon embark on his final string…
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Patrick Coyne
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ORLANDO, Fla. — Metalhead Brad Fetterman spent several hours yesterday sewing the sleeves back on to his finest Dying Fetus…
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Lauren Lavín
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MESA, Ariz. — Aging punk and once-devoted skateboarder Mike Ireland has only now begun to fully comprehend the implied consequences…
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Mark Roebuck
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HOUSTON — Tragedy nearly stuck at a nearby Long John Silver’s last Sunday when no concerned patrons or workers felt…
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Graham Isador
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NIAGARA FALLS, N.Y. — Three days after his 34th birthday, computer programer Adam White admitted his growing concern that he’s…
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