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Mid-30s Punk Finally Bonds With Grandparents Over All Their Friends Dying

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local punk Divida “Ratkeys” Pilucci was pleasantly surprised this summer upon returning home and finally connecting with her grandparents over their countless dead friends, newly empathetic sources report.

“We’ve never had much to talk about in the past, and I always got the feeling I was mostly a misunderstood disappointment… but now that I’ve hit my mid-30s, we just seem to get each other, you know?” Pilucci stated, referring to the multiple funerals due to drug and cancer-related deaths they’ve respectively attended in recent years. “It’s really nice to just connect with family.”

Pilucci said the sudden realization first dawned on her when her grandfather showed up angry, distant and depressed to a family event.

“It’s true — I never really understood the kid, or where all that angst came from, but after burying so many of my friends within such a short time over the past few years, I guess I can see why she’s always acting so alienated,” explained Pilucci’s grandfather, Stan Muccio. “Plus, no matter how much pain and depression the kid is going through, she always puts her dog first. Sure, we prefer our shih tzu to her rottweiler in a ratty bandana, but without Pancakes to pour all of our love and affection into, we’d truly feel alone, so we get it.”

Pilucci later bonded with her grandparents over hearing loss, extensive record collections, a distaste for all things mainstream, fighting with Nazis, memory problems, sewing as a hobby, and particularly, a constant longing for what they both refer to as “the good old days.”

“We’ve never had much in common,” Pilucci said. “I mean, my grandparents always hoped I’d go to college, or join the military… but after nearly 20 years as a scene veteran, I think they finally understand how much life and suffering I’ve crammed in before my 40s.”

Pilucci hopes to continue her newfound bond with her grandparents, though she admitted that while she’ll keep in touch, she draws the line at “Fox news conspiracy bullshit.” “It’s not like when Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain, or how Sid and Nancy were murdered by their record label for threatening to speak out against their management,” Pilucci said. “Old people will believe anything.”