Tony Morse
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DENVER — Local police officer, and unknowing swallower of other people’s spit, Dale Martin admitted he wasn’t able to tell…
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Ben Friedman
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LOS ANGELES — Local fitness enthusiast Gene Davidson is reportedly entering the third hour of an absurdly low-speed chase trying…
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Mark Hassenfratz
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NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — Local man Stephen Banquist scattered clothing, pet hair, and random bits of garbage all over his…
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Peter Woods
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APPLETON, Wis. — Teenage prodigy Shari Ford is being hailed as the next great bassist after mastering the electric bass…
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Brandon Talley
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JERUSALEM — Biblical scholars were stunned by a newly discovered set of ancient scrolls that suggests Jesus not only turned…
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Robert John Scucci
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PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Brian Hedges figured he’s still got a good 10 years to continually disappoint his parents with…
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John Danek
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NEW YORK — Local man and person exploring his kinks for the first time in his life, Jaden Brantz, reported…
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The Hard Times Staff
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GRESHAM, Ore. — Local bargain hunter Terry Hodges was relieved to discover that the writhing, chaotic mass of humanity trampling…
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Joanna McNaney Stein
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SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Dominick Campbell exited a port-o-potty he described as a “crime scene level disaster” and gave…
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Khadija Hassan
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NEW YORK — Local punk Than Luethke reports that the majority of his caloric intake comes from the free wine…
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