NEW YORK — Newly single and perfectly healthy man Dave Prost edited his Tinder bio yesterday, replacing his height with an up-to-date measurement of his…
CHICAGO — Local executive Reginald Dixon sent a company-wide email from the security of his HEPA-filtered panic room moments ago stating that the Coronavirus threat…
It’s hard not to feel like we are approaching the end times. With the world on the verge of a global pandemic, life seems more…
CDC Recommends All Americans Keep Audio Logs During Pandemic for Future Protagonists to Stumble Upon
CDC Recommends All Americans Keep Audio Logs During Pandemic for Future Protagonists to Stumble Upon
WASHINGTON — At a press conference this afternoon, CDC Director Robert Redfield urged all American citizens to begin keeping audio diaries during the COVID-19 pandemic,…
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local frontman Spencer Wilt made an impassioned declaration to the Coronavirus “and other infectious diseases,” clarifying that highly contagious sicknesses of any…
ATLANTA — In an effort to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19, the Center for Disease Control recommended today that U.S. citizens dress in…
As a relatively young and healthy person, I’m appalled by the cavalier attitudes of my peers who are not taking Coronavirus prevention seriously. Just because…
ATLANTA — Patrons of Leatherman’s Bluff Sex Emporium were cresfallen today upon learning that Dark Spectrum, the clubs monthly “anything goes” no-condoms-allowed orgy will be…
WASHINGTON — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has placed a temporary ban on playing the game Assassin’s Creed II during the coronavirus outbreak…
Some people know how to get with the times. Others? Not so much. Andy Serrano is a troglodyte of the latter variety. When we asked…
Well Christian soldiers, I guess you could call this the ultimate case of “good news, bad news.” Our savior Jesus Christ oh Lord has returned…
FORT WASHINGTON, Md. — Wayne LaPierre, the chief executive of the National Rifle Association (NRA), unveiled a bold plan today to prevent further American coronavirus…
SEATTLE — Capitol Hill crust punk Steve “Skaggs” Sprewell is far more concerned about the raccoon flu he contracted while dumpster diving last week than…
WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence announced plans today to protect American citizens from the coronavirus by sending all infected to a faith-based conversion therapy…
NEW YORK — Pathogen enthusiasts across the United States received good news yesterday, as global health officials announced that delayed Coronavirus preorders were finally arriving.…