Well Christian soldiers, I guess you could call this the ultimate case of “good news, bad news.” Our savior Jesus Christ oh Lord has returned to Earth at long last, Hallelujah! Unfortunately, he’s wearing one of those surgical masks, which is foreboding to say the least.
Now I don’t want to bury the lede here, the number one takeaway with a bullet is JESUS FRIGGIN CHRIST, the motherheckin’ NAZARENE has returned to Earth. Those of us at The Hard Times who are Christian, (just me and one of the janitors) could not be more excited! But like, strong number two takeaway, coronavirus might be a little worse than we feared.
The scary thing is how cagey he’s being about it. He’ll be preaching “love thy neighbor” this and “the time of trials is nigh” that, but when you ask him about the mask he’s all “Oh you know, it’s just sanitary.” Then he’ll mumble something unconvincing about not wanting to get old people sick and quickly change the subject.
Isn’t this the guy that cured the lepers by touching them? Leprosy is way worse than coronavirus, right? Right?
We’ve all grown up with this idea of Jesus being compassionate and loving but I’ll tell ya, Jesus is NOT a hugger. He seems pretty uncomfortable with physical contact all together. I watched him cure a blind man with his healing touch the other day and he insisted on spraying the poor guy with Lysol first! I mean, he called it “holy Lysol,” but I’m pretty sure it was just Lysol.
I got VIP tickets to his last sermon so I could get my bible signed and he seemed warm and friendly enough, but I noticed after every greeting he would furiously rub his hands in hand sanitizer.
I get that meet-and-greets can be stressful for celebrities so I tried to brush it off. But when it was my turn I gave him my Bible and he said, “Oh yeah, this is a good one, but you should really check out Stephen King’s ‘The Stand.'”