LOS ANGELES — Local fuckup Jerry Millwater’s 2021 New Year’s resolution of “practice more self-care” is concerned about its upcoming fight with the overwhelming force…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Gamer Brian Kology was disappointed after his attempt at livening up a rooftop party by bringing his Nintendo Switch along resulted in…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man and alleged former drug addict Kyle Drury is “weirdly braggy” about the apparently darkest, most terrifying experience of his life…
The night is young. You have a Monster Energy Drink in one hand, and a Mad Dog 2020 in the other. Your knuckles are already…
SEATTLE — Seattle Police Lieutenant Chuck Haines is beginning to worry that his dealer may be tampering with his cocaine, following a rash of well-publicized…
NEW YORK – Legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards took popular interview show “Hot Ones” to a new level yesterday by snorting all 10 sauces…
I am so sick of being left out. Every year 4/20 rolls around and the entire country throws this huge celebration for everyone who smokes…
We all know Valentine’s Day is a holiday created by the greeting card industry to remind single people how unlovable they are. But if we…
In my current search for employment I see job postings seeking a “Rockstar Candidate” every day. At first I thought it was great. That’s totally…
So you’ve decided to convert your garage into a bitchin auto shop and you want to do it to a montage of Bruce Springsteen songs…
HARTFORD, Conn. — Local resident Shane Dyson is reported to be expressing his devotion to the realest decade of all, the 1990s, by using his…
I Went Back in Time to Kill Hitler but He’s Already Dead in 1970 so Now I’m Just Really Into Cocaine
I Went Back in Time to Kill Hitler but He’s Already Dead in 1970 so Now I’m Just Really Into Cocaine
After 25 years of work, I finally completed my time machine. The years of sketching, measuring, assembling, and testing, the millions of dollars I sunk…
BALTIMORE — Infamous punk house “Crazz Manor” in Baltimore’s Waverly neighborhood was upgraded yesterday from a punk house to a crack house, drawing mixed reactions…
Throughout Latin America thousands of murders each year are directly linked to the cocaine trade. Beyond the egregious toll on human life, the global cocaine…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — An adjunct lecturer of American Studies at Santa Monica City College strongly hinted to his class this morning that he had…