Andrew Cuomo Gets Penis Stuck in Ballot Box
NEW YORK — Earlier today, New York City mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was seen leaving a polling station in an ambulance with a ballot box wrapped around his penis. “Just like all of New York City, the ballot box wanted him …
Phew! The New Black Metal Band You Like Are Just Murderers and Not White Supremacists
Whoops, looks like you jumped headfirst into the discography of newly-discovered black metal band Øde Festning without checking to see if their lyrics are a… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Nitrous Mafia Snitch Found at Bottom of Lake Wearing Cement Birkenstocks
BOSTON — Local nitrous dealer James “Lawnboy” Carpenter was found dead at the bottom of Mystic Lake wearing only a pair of cement Birkenstocks, sources… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
US Government Urges Citizens to Choose Mad Max Style Post-Apocalyptic Name Now Before All the Good Ones are Taken
WASHINGTON — A White House press release suggests that citizens come up with “wasteland personas” soon before all the good ones are scooped up, press… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Born Again Crust Punk Baptized in Sewage
SALT LAKE CITY — Local born again crust punk Richard “Skuz-Dixx” Vanderbilt was recently baptized in sewage after deciding to reenter the Church of Latter-day… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
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Music
Attractive Woman on Subway Probably Just Waiting Until the Right Moment to Compliment Your Gorguts Shirt
BOSTON — An attractive woman seated across from you on the subway was probably just waiting until the right moment to tell you how much she likes your Gorguts shirt, overly confident sources report. “She immediately caught my eye when…
Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat Awarded Nobel Prize in Physics for Their Groundbreaking Work In How Opposites Attract
STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Iconic ‘80s pop duo Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat were awarded…
Goldfinger Lead Singer Clarifies Superman He's Trying to Be is Not the Dean Cain Version
LOS ANGELES — Goldfinger frontman John Feldmann took to Instagram to clarify the band’s seminal…
Band Names Themselves P_Floyd8732486 After Discovering “Pink Floyd” Is Taken
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, N.M. — Local psychedelic rock band P_Floyd8732486 revealed that they arrived at…
Band Not Cool Being Associated With Genre They Sound Exactly Like
COOS BAY, Ore. — Members of Shivtank made it perfectly clear that they were absolutely…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…