End It Seriously Underestimating Retaliatory Power of Chiquita Banana Company
TORONTO — In a recent show, members of the hardcore band End It called on the crowd to harass and disrobe an attendee wearing an attention-grabbing banana costume, a move many fans fear will draw retaliation from the notoriously bloodthirst…
Aaron Lewis Just Found Out Christ’s Teachings Were About Love and Social Equality, and He Is PISSED
There’s a reason people are calling Aaron Lewis “the thinking-man’s Kid Rock.” Armed with a 4th-grade reading level and a desperate need to have something… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Microbrewery Entirely Built Around Pun Name ‘Let’s Circle Bock’
Nation’s Bosses Announce Plans To Call You on Teams the Second You Sit Down To Take a Shit
DETROIT — The nation’s bosses have announced their plan to call you on collaboration platform Microsoft Teams the second you sit down on the toilet… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
“Careful,” Helpfully Warns Bystander After Woman Has Already Tripped
MONROE, Wash. — In an act of breathtaking selflessness, a local man warned a woman to be careful after she stumbled over a styrofoam halal… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Report: Increasing Number of Americans Ditching Healthcare for Big Bottle of Tums
Wait, What’s Wrong With These Ones? We Found Five Grunge Albums That Don’t Have a Baby Dick on the Cover
Grunge was a huge subgenre of alternative rock that sprang out of the Pacific Northwest in the mid-eighties before fizzling out of popularity about ten… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Punk Tries Pickleball After Hearing It's Loud and Annoying
ARLINGTON, Va. — Local punk Troy Crouse expressed a sudden interest in trying pickleball after hearing the sport is incredibly loud and annoying, confirmed irritated neighbors. “I’ve been looking for some form of local anarchy for a while. I tried…
Centipede Becomes Highest Contributing Member of Punk House After Eating Termite
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A centipede dwelling in the bathroom of a local punk house has…
Report: Art Garfunkel Still Getting Ass From 1966's ‘Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme’
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Octagenarian Art Garfunkel is not only alive and well but “still…
Mountain Goats Release Album About Mountain Goats Albums
HURLEY, N.Y. — In the latest of a long string of niche concept albums exploring…
Punks Chant ‘Encore!’ at Costco Sample Lady
VANCOUVER, Canada — A group of snack-loving punks chanted “Encore!” with vigorous intent after Costco…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…