Press "Enter" to skip to content

4 Vegan Birthday Cakes to Try If You Don’t Want Anyone to Attend Your Party

Going vegan 6 months ago was the best decision you ever made and you’ve made sure to let EVERYONE know it. Sure, you might have lost a friend or two with your endless barrage of PETA slaughterhouse videos, and your cousins still aren’t talking to you after you called them all, “filthy bloodmouths” at your little sister’s graduation BBQ, but you’re still comfortable knowing you are doing the right thing. However, with your birthday right around the corner, the real test is looming. Get a normal delicious cake and be surrounded by friends and family?

Or choose to stay ethical and enjoy one of these four vegan cakes while you celebrate your birthday alone and unsatisfied:

1. This chocolate cake may look delicious, but with the consistency of sawdust your normal friends would know better than to take more than one bite. More for you to pretend is good when they all suddenly need to leave your party.

2. Mmmmm, strawberries and cream? How could you go wrong with this classic combination? Wait a second, that’s not cream. Ew, it’s disgusting. Vegans can’t eat cream? Holy shit, we didn’t realize cream was also murder. What the fuck is this filling? Why would anyone make a strawberries and cream cake with fake cream? You deserve to feel unloved on your birthday.

Related: I Tried These Recipes From The Anarchist Cookbook and They Tasted Like Shit

3. We don’t even know what the fuck this cake is. We didn’t try it because it looks terrible. You know what kind of cake is delicious? Cheesecake. You should have gotten a cheesecake for your birthday, everyone would have been happier.

4. This crumb cake was actually pretty good. We couldn’t even tell it was vegan, but they fact of the matter is your insufferable preaching has driven all your normal friends away and they’ll never even get to try this cake. Maybe you can head down to your local co-op and make some new vegan friends so your birthday next year isn’t so depressing.