ICE Agent Unsure How to Conduct Pat-Down Without Leaving Bruises
ATLANTA — ICE agents deployed by President Trump to assist with airport security amid the partial government shutdown are reportedly unsure how to pat down alleged criminals without causing significant bodily harm, sources wearing wrap-arou…
Portland Barista Fired After Failing To Display ‘The Little Prince’ Tattoo
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local barista Mark Redmound was fired from his barista position last month for failing to display his tattoo depicting “The Little Prince,”… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Bruce Springsteen Hires Guitarist To Play Anytime He Starts Telling a Story
Worst Person You Know Discovers Phrase ‘Living My Truth’
SAN FRANCISCO — The absolute worst person you know has unfortunately happened upon the phrase “living my truth” and is currently on a rampage throughout… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Fox News Reports the Strait of Hormuz Is Blocked by Trans Swimmers
NEW YORK — American multinational conservative news channel Fox News has reported that the Strait of Hormuz, the oil trading artery linking the Persian Gulf… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Tesla Hides Drive Mode Behind Subscription Paywall
Band Announces They’ve Parted Ways With Guy Who Wrote the Music, Named the Band
GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Popular alt-funk band Transit announced they were parting ways with lead guitarist Wayne Lee, who was primarily known for writing all… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Music
Stupid Piece of Shit Band Only Able To Muster One Global Chart-Topping Hit
TAMPA, Fla. — Local piece of shit band The Fallen Embers were unabashedly ashamed after only ever creating one global chart-topping hit that brought joy to millions, according to ex-fans who wished them dead. “I never thought people would turn…
Hardcore Band Preemptively Starts GoFundMe To Get Ahead of Inevitable Van Accident
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local hardcore outfit Prayer Grave started a preemptive GoFundMe to pay for…
Band Announces They've Parted Ways With Guy Who Wrote the Music, Named the Band
GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Popular alt-funk band Transit announced they were parting ways with lead…
Drummer With Song Idea Pretends They Got It From ChatGPT
MINNEAPOLIS — Maku Lee, drummer for punk band Meatsleeves, attempted to pass off a song…
Mötley Crüe Fans Disappointed After Nikki Sixx Discusses Time He Had Actual Consensual Sex With Someone
LOS ANGELES — Fans of the ‘80s hair metal band Mötley Crüe are reportedly heartbroken…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…