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Your Weekly Hardcore Horoscopes


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don’t waste your time with someone who isn’t going to change their mind. If you want to go on the Flogging Molly Cruise but your boyfriend doesn’t, maybe it’s time you ditch the guy that’s holding you back from that. It’s your time to shine… and possibly get drunk with Fat Mike on the ocean.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The universe has a world of opportunities in store for you this week, Taurus. Unfortunately, you’ll squander them all by spending the month at all the same shows and talking to all the same people you usually do.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As a Gemini, you aren’t known for your self-control… and today will be harder than for you than usual. Try to resist any urges to jump off balconies or drive vans more than 30 mph over the speed limit: we all know what happened last time, and you’re almost outta the woods with that whole “probation” mess. So sit tight.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
That spontaneous connection you thought you had with the bassist of Cayetana? It’s not what you thought it was, Cancer. Charismatic Venus fell flat in that encounter, and you came off as a total punisher. Lick your wounds, skip the next few shows, and obsess over it every night when you attempt to sleep, for the foreseeable future.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Money might be weighing heavy on your mind this month, Leo: so many reunion tours popping up, and you just don’t have the funds to attend them all! But, worry not — this is your time to get creative: you could call your dad for money, call your mom for money, be short on rent again, start a GoFundMe… the possibilities are endless!

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
This week, your focus should be on strengthening your relationships. Be sure to show your friends and family how much you care by repeatedly inviting them to your shows and making sure they all buy plenty of merch.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Remember, Libra: your body is your temple. A straight edge lifestyle will be very important going into the Scorpio full moon later this month, so consider taking the six pack out of the back of the toilet and drinking that shit now.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Mercury retrograde is the perfect time to focus on unfinished projects, Scorpio. You’ve told your friends about your new photo zine for months now, and you still haven’t made it to Kinko’s to actually print them out, or format anything, or take any of the photos. The hype only lasts so long before your friends stop caring about your “art,” so get to work… or at least make up a new band and invite everyone to “Like” them on Facebook.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You’ve been a recluse all winter, Sagittarius, but now is the time to put that Fire to good use and cut those jeans into shorts, my friend! It’s warming up outside, and your fixed gear bike has been calling your name for months, so get out there — feel the breeze through your liberty spikes, and curse out that cop car parked in the bike lane.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Break out of your mold and take some risks this week, cautious Capricorn! You know your Toyota Corolla might not make it to the fest that’s three hours away, but you might as well try, right? Or, actually… fuck it. You can probably just see all the best parts in Brooklyn Vegan’s Instagram story anyway.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
It’s all about rebirth for you this week, Aquarius, so make sure you have the right energy around you. Kick your bass player to the curb, but don’t fuck with the drummer — we all know how small this town is, and the other girl moved to Austin last month, so keep ‘em close.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
As an airy and dreamy Pisces, you’re naturally drawn to movement and change… which will come in handy very soon, because your roommates have something they’d like to discuss with you, and they look pretty fucking pissed.

Article by Courtney BakaElizabeth TeetsChloe Connaughton, and Jeremy Hammond.