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Parent Who Is Reason for All Your Problems Suggests Listening to Happier Music

DALLAS, Texas — Concerned mother and sole reason for her children’s anxieties Pamela Yates suggested this morning that her kids “try listening to happier music, for once,” fed up sources confirm.

“Sure, I may have made my kids insecure about their bodies and intelligence, and ultimately destroyed any chance of them ever trusting another human being, but how is this drawing of a naked woman bathing in blood good for anyone?” said Yates, holding a copy of Cradle of Filth’s Cruelty and the Beast. “You tell me.”

While Yates considers her strict parenting style to be her way of showing love, her children feel otherwise — all of whom got into punk and alternative music as teens as a “way to deal.”

“I found punk rock at a time when no one was paying attention to me,” said Yates’ oldest child, Cheyenne, a 28-year-old who now lives “as far the fuck away as possible” from her mother. “Like, literally. I ended up at a Sam Goody after my mom left me at the mall when I told her I didn’t want to do church choir anymore. That’s when I heard Crass for the first time. I’d never felt so understood.”

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An expert at maintaining painfully codependent relationships with those around her, Yates continues to psychologically manipulate her younger children — insisting their lives would be easier if they didn’t listen to so much “loud and screaming racket,” while simultaneously reminding them that she won’t hesitate to “throw them out on their ass” if they “don’t start acting right.”

“I’ve been in therapy since I was 10, trying to undo the damage that woman has done over the years,” said Jeremiah Yates, the 17-year-old middle child. “But I’m kind of realizing lately that the only thing that truly makes me happy is pissing my mom off anyway. I guess I have Pig Destroyer to thank for that.”

Yates’ youngest, 16-year-old Destiny, was not available for comment, as she is “ignoring her mom right now” since Yates tried to have her daughter’s high school boyfriend arrested for smoking a cigarette.

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Article By Courtney Paige Barnett

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