Patrick Coyne
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July 22, 2020
PHILADELPHIA — An anonymous protestor sporting a distinctive mohawk, dozens of gold chains, and American flag Zubaz pants was spotted…
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DEDHAM, Mass. — Local Star Market employee Jimmy West will no longer be applauded for his brave commitment to serving…
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Jordan Breeding
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July 22, 2020
A young man came up to me while I was golfing yesterday, and said, "Mr. Trump, your Nazi socialist secret…
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Mark Bouchard
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July 21, 2020
Spongebob Squarepants.The bubble-blowing, fun-loving, flamboyant sea sponge has been entertaining young children and stoned adults for over 20 years. But…
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FLAVORTOWN, Calif. — A quality-of-life ordinance passed by Flavortown’s town council this week will guarantee residents monthly universal chili con…
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Tom Peters
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July 21, 2020
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. — Disgruntled, maskless consumer Rod Shockley was seen outside a local supermarket yesterday asking customers complying with the…
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Jordan Breeding
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July 20, 2020
WASHINGTON — A broken and sobbing Eric Trump choked down a seventh consecutive can of Goya beans this morning after…
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Louie Aronowitz
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July 20, 2020
LOS ANGELES — Clothing brand JNCO released a line of protective face masks yesterday that effectively cover the wearer’s entire…
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Eric Navarro
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July 19, 2020
DURHAM, N.C. — Aspiring author Steve Otto finally has time during a self-imposed coronavirus quarantine to complete his novel which,…
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PORTLAND, Ore. — Local marketing associate and Black person Imani Phillips found yesterday that her iPhone X’s storage is almost…
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