Nick Ortolani
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ATHENS, Ga. — A boomer-aged couple announced today their coordinated effort to vote in the upcoming presidential election for the…
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Amir Adan
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SUITLAND, Md. — The United States Census Bureau issued a sharp reminder to crust punks today to stop counting wild…
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Nick Ortolani
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We all know that choosing who to vote for is an unsatisfying, existentially-bleak, and pleasure-devoid bummer. It’s impossible to find…
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Patrick Coyne
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DENVER — Your boyfriend of two years claimed yesterday, in a “totally gross” and “most definitely insincere” showering of affection,…
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Daniel Arnold
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SEATTLE — Dedicated grandfather and unapologetic metalhead Lyle Makowski carved the names of his two grandsons, Henry and Mitchell, on…
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Rose Vineshank
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BALTIMORE — 17-year-old active shooter and local white boy Tyler Dunsky was sentenced today to no Xbox privileges for a…
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Ryan Danley
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PHOENIX — 45-year-old punk rocker and local senior accountant Danny Rogers was spotted yesterday afternoon circling the “A” on a…
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Laura McCarthy
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GHENT, N.Y. — Beloved family Golden Retriever, Pretzel, was sent to an expansive 80-acre upstate farm earlier this week where…
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Ted Pillow
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What up ‘90s kids! Remember waking up early on Saturday morning to watch cartoons while plowing through an entire box…
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Rob Steinberg
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McLENNAN COUNTY, Texas — Prolific artist and former U.S. President George W. Bush is facing a firestorm of controversy today…
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