Culture Archives - Page 346

Suspicious Login Email Asking “Is This You?” Prompts Existential Crisis

Luke Thornton • December 18, 2020

ATLANTA — Local writer and amateur philosopher Alex Garfield is still questioning the meaning of life today after receiving an…

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Aging Dashboard Confessional Fan Finds His Hair Everywhere

Nariko Ott • December 17, 2020

LOS ANGELES — 35-year-old self-described “Dashboard Confessional superfan” David Calva awoke today to find his male-pattern baldness went into overdrive,…

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Supermarket Bartender Sure Has Some Stories to Tell

Gregg Gethard • December 16, 2020

PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Matthew Kearns, a bartender at the Ye Olde Tap House located in the rear corner of a…

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TLC Confirms That “No Scrubs” Was Also Written About Dave Coulier

Eli Johnson • December 16, 2020

NEW YORK — The former members of TLC confirmed a long-held suspicion today that their 1999 hit single “No Scrubs”…

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Punk House Collapses After Load Bearing Roommate Evicted

Doug Francisco • December 16, 2020

HOUSTON — A punk house collapsed yesterday after the eviction of roommate Luis Flores, who it appears was a load-bearing,…

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Three Sips of Water Before Bed Tasked with Undoing Entire Night of Drinking

Bobby Korec • December 15, 2020

PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Local inebriated man Kevin Donaghue drank a few sips of water before bed moments ago in an…

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Biohazard Patch on Metalhead’s Unwashed Jacket Slowly Turning into Legitimate Warning

John Dixon • December 15, 2020

SOUTH BEND, Ind. — A Biohazard patch on local metalhead Barret Boone’s denim jacket is reportedly becoming less of an…

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Man Blissfully Unaware He’s Purchased His Last Medium Shirt

Kyle Sekaquaptewa • December 14, 2020

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Local 25-year-old man Ryan Mills purchased a medium-sized “Let Russ Cook” Seattle Seahawks T-shirt yesterday, unaware that…

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Randy Quaid Voices Support for Trump Just in Time to Ruin Everyone’s Annual Viewing of “Christmas Vacation”

Patrick Coyne • December 14, 2020

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — “Christmas Vacation” actor Randy Quaid voiced his support for President Trump yesterday, ruining every sane, cheer-deprived…

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Newly Sober Frontman Realizes He’s Been Singing in Ska Band for Past 13 Years

James Knapp • December 14, 2020

SEATTLE — Singer Ryan Kemper’s commitment to a sober lifestyle brought an alarming realization yesterday: his band of more than…

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