Culture Archives - Page 346

Acquaintance Wonders if You Want to Do That Thing You Do for Money But for Free

John Danek • December 10, 2020

SAN DIEGO — An acquaintance from high school was wondering today if you’d be interested in a really cool opportunity…

Instagram Search History Somehow More Embarrassing Than Porn Search History

Stephen Bell • December 9, 2020

HELL, Mich. — Instagram user and avid pornography viewer Eric Stafford found himself more embarrassed yesterday by his Instagram search…

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Metalhead Dad Too Inexperienced to Teach Son How to Shave

Bobby Korec • December 9, 2020

CLEVELAND — Local metalhead and father Bruce Howardt could not teach his son the simple basics of shaving yesterday due…

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Report: “ACAB” Includes Friendly Old Crossing Guard, Gus

Patrick Crooks • December 9, 2020

EUGENE, Ore. — Tearful members of the Whiteaker Neighborhood Association determined through contentions debate yesterday that the common protest refrain…

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Teen Stoner Amazed to Learn That Homosapiens Once Used Fire to Smoke

Billy Patterson • December 8, 2020

TURNERSVILLE, N.J. — Teenage cannabis user Jared Luzinski was astonished to discover yesterday that ancient human beings once used fire…

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We Sat Down With Jared Kushner and Now We Have To Testify in Front of a Grand Jury

Tony Morse • December 8, 2020

Venerated slumlord and accomplished kleptocrat Jared Kushner is a busy man. When he’s not leading the federal government’s lack of…

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Cocky Son of a Bitch About to Regret Turning Off GPS Early

Patrick Coyne • December 7, 2020

BROOKINGS, S.D. — Professional carpenter and terrible navigator Trevor Grainger is already beginning to regret allowing his overwhelming hubris to…

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Quarantined Bear Grylls Cuts Open Mattress to Sleep Inside

Neel Bhakta • December 7, 2020

WREXHAM, U.K. — Increasingly unhinged survivalist and television host Bear Grylls used a serrated, fixed-blade knife yesterday to cut open…

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Serial Killer Sickened By Overmedicated Teens’ Lack of Sex Drive

Lauren Lavín • December 7, 2020

SOUTHBURY, Conn. — Local urban legend The Southbury Slasher could not complete his annual killing spree last week when his…

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Bride Honestly Looks Like Shit

Constantine Platanias • December 6, 2020

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Guests attending the wedding of Michaela Hill and Carlos Gibson were forced to admit to themselves…

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