Culture Archives - Page 345

boss, work, guitar, cool, neglect, awesome

Cool Boss with Guitar in Office Totally Chill about Rampant Sexual Harassment

Patrick Coyne • November 29, 2020

NEWARK, N.J. — Self-proclaimed “cool boss” Ken Hammond, who often plays guitar in his office and regularly drinks with his…

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chimps, pink shirt, lady, old lady, monkeys, eat, delicious, glasses, gray hair, tree

After 60 Years of Studying, Jane Goodall Declares Broiling Best Way to Cook Chimps

Patrick Coyne • November 28, 2020

LONDON — World-famous primatologist Dame Jane Goodall announced today that, after 60 years of studying chimpanzees in their native habitat,…

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police, car, AT-AT, cannons, laser, old, decommission, military, parking lot

Galactic Empire Sells Outdated AT-ATs and Speederbikes to Local Police Departments

Dan Kozuh • November 28, 2020

CORUSCANT — The reigning Galactic Empire is selling old laser cannons, starfighters, and other weapons and vehicles to small-town police…

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White House Chef Excited to Change Menu from Corn Dogs and Funyuns

Cory Cousins • November 28, 2020

WASHINGTON — White House kitchen staff are reportedly elated by the prospect of cooking “real food” for President-elect Joe Biden…

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hardcore, metal, powerviolence, reunion, cash grab, guys, stripped shirt, hat, beard, drums, play

Legendary Band Almost Broke Enough to Reunite

John Danek • November 28, 2020

BALTIMORE — Influential powerviolence band ElevenTimesElevenCrimes announced today that expensive car repairs, alimony payments, and a misguided Playstation 4 purchase…

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bluetooth, speaker, bluetooth speaker, broken, annoying

Woman Frantically Trying to Fix Bluetooth Speaker Ruins Party More Than Broken Speaker Would Have

Erin McLaughlin • November 27, 2020

OMAHA, Neb. — Local basement party host and neurotic mess Eloise Krantz destroyed everything in her path Saturday night while…

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computer, girl, tattoo, brown hair, highlights, white room, song meanings, website, blog, opinion, couch

No One on SongMeanings.Com Even Fucking Close

John Danek • November 27, 2020

CHICAGO — Singer-songwriter Kyla Bernhardt learned today just how much her fans have failed to successfully parse the artistic intent…

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Woman Wishes She Hadn’t Used Pandemic Excuse to Get Out of Last Year’s Thanksgiving

Rob Walker • November 26, 2020

DENVER — Local woman Stephanie Robbins admitted today she now wishes she hadn't already used the “deadly pandemic” excuse to…

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Friendsgiving Gathering Limited to Five People Reveals True Hierarchy of Social Group

The Hard Times Staff • November 26, 2020

WEYMOUTH, Mass. — The guest list of an annual Friendsgiving celebration, truncated this year due to COVID-19 mandates, has shown…

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Canceled Thanksgiving Trip Home to Leave Punk with Eight Loads of Unwashed Laundry

Krissy Howard • November 26, 2020

ROSEDALE, Miss. — Local punk Kerry Gagne is stuck with several loads of unwashed laundry that she was planning to…

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