August 2017 - Page 9 of 14

Local Creep Way Too Supportive of Lesbian Lifestyle

Edgar Towner • August 13, 2017

DENVER — Semi-professional photographer Dennis Bachmann stands accused this morning of overenthusiastically supporting same-sex female relationships, according to multiple creeped…

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I Created a YouTube Account to Comment “White Snake Is REAL Music Not the Fake Disney Crap We Got Today”

Goodrich Gevaart • August 13, 2017

I’m not much of a computer guy, OK? I work 10-hour days at McSimmon’s Tool & Die six days a…

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Drummer Just Needs to Borrow Kick, Snare, Stool, and One Stick

Mark Roebuck • August 12, 2017

AUGUSTA, Maine — Local drummer Dicky Carter only needs to borrow a kick drum, snare drum, a stool, and one…

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Reclusive Arcade Gaming Legend AAA Returns to Face Rival ASS

Hana Michels • August 12, 2017

NEW YORK — After years out of the limelight, mysterious gaming legend AAA finally plans to face his rival ASS…

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House Democrats Almost Have Enough Snarky Tweets from Liberal Comics to Begin Impeachment

John Danek • August 12, 2017

WASHINGTON — California Rep. Adam Schiff announced earlier today via livestream from the Democratic Party Twitter account that his party…

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I’m the Guy That Freaks out When You Accidentally Bump Him at a Show: Don’t Fucking AMA

Eric Navarro • August 12, 2017

Hi everybody, allow me introduce myself. I’m the guy at every hardcore show who freaks out if you bump into…

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Ever-Touring Musician Still Finds Time to Be Shitty Roommate

Rick Homuth • August 11, 2017

TACOMA, Wash. — Despite his rigorous touring schedule, guitarist Marcus Lorenez still finds time to be an “inconsiderate and neglectful”…

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Kinky Cartridge Loves When You Spit in Its Mouth

Tristen Stafford • August 11, 2017

GLEN ROCK, N.J. — Alan Burton was shocked to find that his copy of Bad Dudes for the NES would…

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Rescue Workers Called to Free Over 900 Instagram Users Caught In Thirst Trap

Michael Palladino • August 11, 2017

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Instagram officials were forced to call in rescue workers this past weekend after a Thirst Trap…

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I Prefer Small, Intimate Shows So I Only Listen to Shitty Bands

Eric Navarro • August 11, 2017

There is absolutely no feeling like attending a small, intimate show. How many times have you gotten into a great…

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