BIKINI BOTTOM― Longtime cashier Squidward Tentacles is the lead suspect in a mass shooting at the Krusty Krab which left one employee dead and a…
My neighbor has a lawn gnome whose shadow lands on my property. Needless to say, I’ve been researching hitmen on the dark web for the…
NEW YORK ⏤ Recently debuted African American muppet Elijah Walker was fatally shot by Sesame Street police after officers mistakenly identified the number seven being…
BOULDER, Colo. — Unpopular yet devastating virus COVID-19 announced it will be partnering with Mass Shootings in a co-headlining killing spree that will stretch from…
LOS ANGELES — Local Twitter user Frederick Peterson, better known by his handle @freddiepeteyboy682, went on a tragic cancel spree early this morning, before turning…
NEW YORK — A visibly desperate and agitated President Donald Trump loaded his IMI Desert Eagle handgun today and travelled to Manhattan’s 5th Ave. to…
CHICAGO — Chicago Police Sgt. Connor Ring is on paid administrative leave after he shot a toddler in the face for “getting his nose” at…
NEW YORK — NYC Police Commissioner Dermot Shea confirmed today that police shooting targets all come standard with their backs turned, clearing up any speculation…
SAN FRANCISCO — Friends and family were left looking for answers after a lone IGN writer stormed out of the company’s offices this morning and…
AKRON, Ohio — Local fourth-grader Vincent “Vinny” Ortiz-Galt felt “I don’t know, just bad, I guess” about wearing a homemade bulletproof vest to school that…
GREENVILLE, Vt. — Lifelong Greenville resident Jordan Mateusz struggled to recall yesterday which of the many tragedies that befell his hometown prompted the creation of…
ODESSA, Texas — Local man Grant Hopkins informed his friend group today that he can’t make it to this mass shooting, but, statistically speaking, he…
DAYTON, Ohio — The United States of America was embarrassed to admit it accidentally double-booked two mass shootings within 24 hours of each other, sources…
FAIRVIEW, Kan. — Local mother Deanna Jones dropped off her eldest son Jason in the parking circle of Fairview High School this morning for the…
SAN FRANCISCO — Fat Wreck Chords released a statement offering a sincere and heartfelt contract to any band willing to publicly defend bassist and singer…