Punk Tag Archives - Page 487

Band Who Cites Kiss As Influence Also Sucks

John Danek • January 11, 2020

DETROIT — Local bar/glam rock band Stiletto Devils, who cite fellow Detroiters Kiss as their sole influence, “suck ass” at…

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Punk Going On Vacation Asks if You Can Throw Out His Mail for Him

Patrick Coyne • January 10, 2020

NEWARK, N.J. — Local punk and expert responsibility-avoider Dean Freeman asked his neighbor this morning to throw out all his…

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Impossible Whopper Found to Contain Traces of Impossible Horse

KC Phillips • January 10, 2020

JANESVILLE, Wis. — An alarming analysis of several of Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper sandwiches has found that the popular…

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Survivor Producers Following Crust Punk On Island Unaware He Is Not Contestant

The Hard Times Staff • January 10, 2020

MAMANUCA ISLANDS, Fiji. — Crew members currently filming the latest season of “Survivor” were shocked to discover that a scab…

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Punk Guru Says Treat Your Body Like Fucked Up Temple Bathroom

Michael De Toffoli • January 9, 2020

BERKELEY, Calif. — Traveling gutter punk-turned inspirational teacher Marcus “Guru Hoagie” Sanders is directing followers worldwide to treat their bodies…

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5 Punk Fashion Trends That Are Officially Canceled After My Mom Complimented Them

Rachel Steele • January 9, 2020

Over the past few years we've called out, canceled, impeached, and even jailed some of America's most toxic and evil…

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“I Didn’t Realize This Was a Gay Bar,” Man Says for Sixth Night in a Row

Patrick Crooks • January 9, 2020

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Local man Brian Davis was shocked and surprised yet again last night that Backslide, the bar…

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cursive, school, kids, teach, tim kasher

Aging Scenester Distraught Emo Kids No Longer Learning About Cursive

John Dixon • January 9, 2020

DAYTON, Ohio — Local 38-year-old scenester James Adkins is bemoaning to anyone who will listen that up-and-coming emo kids are…

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Friend Back with Band You Spent Months Shit Talking About After Breakup

Kyle Erf • January 8, 2020

PHILADELPHIA — Your friend Bella Dubois is reportedly now back with her old band The New Babies, leaving you feeling…

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Coworker Unaware He’s Trapped in Bitter, Hate-Filled Rivalry With You

Ted Pillow • January 8, 2020

DOVER, N.H. — Your coworker, accounts manager Randy Ferguson, has no idea that he is your mortal enemy in a…

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