DUBLIN — A local moron obviously blind to his own idiocy stood around last night with a brand-new Gildan shirt wadded up in his clammy…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local adventurer Melissa Carter will leave her base camp by the big water jug on the bar later this evening to go…
DULUTH, Minn. — A new report released today in the New England Journal of Medicine claims that the feeling of being in love with someone…
PEORIA, Ill. — Local guitarist Matt Carlton asked his Sweetwater sales rep today to be in his wedding as his best man in a truly…
LOS ANGELES — Garage-rock frontman Julian Wood asked a casual female acquaintance yesterday for naked photos in an effort to save a flailing conversation, Wood…
TRENTON, N.J. — Local hardcore band Open Sesame debuted a unique and unprecedented combination of tunings at their inaugural show last night, witnesses who lamented…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local woman and online shopper Darla Castro is reconsidering her lack of children after a search for her favorite band’s shirt yielded only…
BOSTON — Philosophy major Patrick Cartelli returned yesterday from three months studying abroad in London with several new mannerisms, including an insistence on spelling “poser”…
DENVER — Local marijuana enthusiast Toby Strickland is “pretty sure” he is the first to invent CBD-infused marijuana, which he believes is an opportunity to…
SAN DIEGO — Aspiring Reddit user and avowed Blink-182 fan Stuart Brennan was flabbergasted Saturday evening as he attempted to create an account for the…
WASHINGTON — An increasing number of Americans are relying on monetized Youtube covers of Toto’s “Africa” to make ends meet despite record-low unemployment and unprecedented…
GENEVA — A recent report from leading vegan scientists indicates the limited supply of dairy milk alternative Oatly could lead to increased international tension, eventually…
Dear Scabby: I’m really embarrassed to admit this…but I just shat a bunch of skittles out of my womanly parts. I haven’t eaten skittles in…
AUSTIN, Texas. — Local punk Rachel Ronson inadvertently removed both of her legs just below the knee last night while cutting her pair of black…
LANCASTER, Pa. — Lt. Dale Sherman was reportedly “completely bummed” to be on surveillance detail last weekend at the annual DIY, folk-punk Crust Fest, bemused…