DAYTON, Ohio — Local romantic Colin Novak finally proposed anal to his longtime girlfriend Amanda Hale yesterday at the couple’s favorite tapas restaurant, in front…
NEW YORK — U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez became the first woman in the history of humankind last week to be encouraged to turn 35, the…
CLEVELAND — Recently formed metal band Blood & Soil has forgone music as its first public release, instead issuing formal remarks apologizing for every band…
WASHINGTON — FBI Agent Raymond Kesler is desperately hoping to avoid assignment to the Bureau’s newly formed TikTok surveillance unit, which would involve following users…
LOS ANGELES — B.C. Rich, a company famous for making electric guitars popular in the heavy metal music scene, will expand into manufacturing classical instruments,…
PHILADELPHIA — An anonymous protestor sporting a distinctive mohawk, dozens of gold chains, and American flag Zubaz pants was spotted yesterday toppling the Rocky Balboa…
DEDHAM, Mass. — Local Star Market employee Jimmy West will no longer be applauded for his brave commitment to serving the community following the discovery…
ABINGDON, Oxfordshire, U.K. — Experimental rock band Radiohead revealed today that their seminal album “Kid A” actually stands for “Kid Antebellum,” deciding for some reason…
Spongebob Squarepants.The bubble-blowing, fun-loving, flamboyant sea sponge has been entertaining young children and stoned adults for over 20 years. But while Spongebob is fictional, a…
FLAVORTOWN, Calif. — A quality-of-life ordinance passed by Flavortown’s town council this week will guarantee residents monthly universal chili con carne payments beginning as soon…
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. — Disgruntled, maskless consumer Rod Shockley was seen outside a local supermarket yesterday asking customers complying with the store’s mandatory mask policy to…
WASHINGTON — A broken and sobbing Eric Trump choked down a seventh consecutive can of Goya beans this morning after a week of publicly binging…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — The embattled country group formerly known as Lady Antebellum, and more recently Lady A, has finally settled on a new name and…
LOS ANGELES — Clothing brand JNCO released a line of protective face masks yesterday that effectively cover the wearer’s entire body, matching the label’s trademark…
DURHAM, N.C. — Aspiring author Steve Otto finally has time during a self-imposed coronavirus quarantine to complete his novel which, according to friends and family,…