PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Local inebriated man Kevin Donaghue drank a few sips of water before bed moments ago in an effort to dilute the many…
SOUTH BEND, Ind. — A Biohazard patch on local metalhead Barret Boone’s denim jacket is reportedly becoming less of an endorsement of the band and…
BELLEVUE, Wash. — Local 25-year-old man Ryan Mills purchased a medium-sized “Let Russ Cook” Seattle Seahawks T-shirt yesterday, unaware that this will be the last…
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — “Christmas Vacation” actor Randy Quaid voiced his support for President Trump yesterday, ruining every sane, cheer-deprived American’s viewing of the holiday…
DENVER — Family court officials today ordered office worker Tynan Howard to surrender his beautiful house, large automobile, and other symbols of capitalist banality to…
SEATTLE — Singer Ryan Kemper’s commitment to a sober lifestyle brought an alarming realization yesterday: his band of more than a decade, Voodoo Bukowski, is…
KING OF PRUSSIA, Pa. — Lonesome guitarist Nelson Owens’s only friendly social relationship is reportedly with popular gear website and mail-order catalog Musician’s Friend, bummed…
WOODLAWN, Md. — A recent government study indicates that fans of thrash metal will finally be eligible for Social Security benefits in the coming year,…
LOS ANGELES — Members of all-black punk band The ‘Stangs were nominated for a Grammy late last month, but are unsure why they were nominated…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Promising guitarist Liam Doughtery’s guitar career was suddenly terminated yesterday after the introduction of the difficult F major barre chord during…
WAILUKU, Hawaii — Popular Maui wedding band Holy Matrimony couldn’t believe how many people flew out to Patricia and Peter Jatinder’s destination wedding just to…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local badass eagle and body modification enthusiast Mordechai flummoxed friends and family last week by getting a wimpy-ass nerd tattooed on his…
WASHINGTON — Residents of the punk house collective known as Radistan have reportedly “lost their goddamn fucking minds if they think anyone is going along…
BOSTON — Socially conscious punk Casey Chaminski is reportedly torn today between supporting a local coffee roaster that consistently fucks up his order, or a…
LOS ANGELES — Popular musical act Alvin and the Chipmunks are seeking a new frontman this week following the death of their previous lead vocalist,…