PACIFIC OCEAN — A male blue whale around 600 miles off the coast of the Aleutian Islands is reportedly ashamed of its five-foot-long micropenis, according…
CALABASAS, Calif. — An emotional Kanye West stood outside soon-to-be-ex-wife Kim Kardashian’s bedroom window last night while holding a boombox playing his own music in…
MEDFORD, N.Y. — Aspiring film buff and possible ADD sufferer Jacob Leftwich spent the entire duration of “The Godfather” yesterday scouring tidbits and fun facts…
HYANNIS, Mass. — Local woman and generally uncertain person Anne Levy is on a desperate quest to validate her supposed “gut feeling” that she should…
DEER PARK, N.Y. — The owners of local rehearsal space Damned Studios released a number of safety protocols yesterday for COVID, but failed to address…
BROOKLYN — Local stoner metalhead Graham Wyatt overslept this morning after a night of drinking and weed smoking, which caused him to run a “‘Dopesmoker’…
LOS ANGELES — Actor and filmmaker Adam Sandler was forced to dispose of the screenplay for his new film “Hank Lieberman: Ghost Detective” after news…
LOS ANGELES — Local punk Zoey Thomas is absolutely outraged today after stranger, Daniel Morgan, accepted her $1 in exchange for a single cigarette outside…
PRIDE ROCK — Dozens of hyenas still loyal to Scar attempted and ultimately failed to retake Pride Rock in a deadly coup following the defeat…
AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk announced earlier this week that he will name his next child in the style of a Sudoku, one of his…
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Smith & Smith Real Estate property photographer Joshua Abernathy regularly receives workplace criticism for his unhelpful photos of rental units, but…
CONCORD, N.H. — 32-year-old house sitter Ervin Holt discovered the benefits of a nightly face washing routine last week after helping himself to a wide…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Guitar Center manager Marcella Doyle was taken aback earlier this week when alternative rock band Everclear began signing autographs and selling…
GEORGETOWN, Del. — Local man Ben Hartsock resumed his normal business of yelling at skateboarders for trespassing in a parking lot less than 24 hours…
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Dave Landers received the COVID-19 vaccine on Thursday and is now looking forward to never, ever washing his hands again, according…