PORTLAND, OR – Fans attending the record release party for local metal band Failsafe were repeatedly caught off guard by the random cheering of a…
Black Metal Guitarist Spotted Celebrating Gammy’s 87th Birthday at Old Country Buffet
BATTLE CREEK, Mich. – Two lucky fans were surprised Tuesday evening when they spotted Geryon Warbringer, guitar player of black metal band Malmastecon, celebrating his…
Deathcore Vocalist Has Brutal Mental Breakdown
ATLANTA, GA – Witnesses report local deathcore band We, The Bleeding Teeth could only watch in awe as their front man, Lenny Johnson, had what…
Phil Anselmo Apologizes for Waiting Until End of Show Before Paying Tribute to Hitler
HOLLYWOOD – After Sieg Heiling and screaming “White power!” at the conclusion of this year’s Dimebash, Pantera frontman Phil Anselmo has issued an apology to his…
Local Goth Found Dead Inside
DEKALB, Ill. — After a long battle with conformist society, local goth Marvin Crandall, 34, was found dead inside at his place of employment late…
Metallica Sues 8th Grader Over Hand-Drawn Logo on Notebook
CHIPPEWA FALLS, Wis. – A team of high-powered attorneys representing the interests of seminal metal act Metallica filed the necessary paperwork late last week to…
We’ve lost a lot of great people in 2015 — people who made us laugh, challenged the way we think, or, like Lemmy, influenced generations…
Tokyo – Geisha Revenge, an all-girl Japanese thrash metal band, has seen a surge in popularity following the release of their debut LP Tokyo Takeback, thanks in…
ALBANY, N.Y. – Show promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham is a DIY legend in Albany. He cares deeply about the next generation of bands coming up in…
Man With Awful, Noxious Farts Has Great Time At Show
DENVER – Despite recurring gastrointestinal issues that have led to countless lonely nights and angry stares from fellow bus riders, multiple sources confirmed that local metalhead Danny Walton had…
Local Band Threatens Audience With Encore
ATHENS, Ga – Several sources are confirming that local death metal band, Rats of Fire, threatened to play an encore after their already overbearing 35-minute opening set at…
NORWAY/Darkmoon Faire Realm – Norwegian black metal band Umskiptar have cemented their reputation as one of the world’s most notorious modern black metal bands through…
Satan Reportedly Unimpressed with 2017 Metal Selection
HELL – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of All Things Evil, is reportedly unimpressed with what he called, “the lackluster state of current…
Guy Apparently Came to Show to Talk Loudly the Entire Fucking Time
PITTSBURGH, Penn. — According to witnesses at last night’s weekly metal showcase at The Clink, one man would not “shut his stupid goddamn mouth for…
Lemmy’s Wart Plans to Leave His Face to Pursue Solo Career
Los Angeles – The whole world knows the famous wart, the one that has spent its entire career residing on the face of heavy metal…