DENVER — Local man Cory McCann is ready to settle down and meet “the one” person he’ll spend the rest of the year with, or…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Quarantined suitor Gabe Dawson canceled his highly anticipated Zoom date with “hot barista Dylan” last night after spending 45 minutes as…
LOS ANGELES — Local punk and weed enthusiast Sam “Switch” Gremillion inserted his penis into an old bong Wednesday afternoon in a desperate attempt at…
PITTSFORD, Vt. — 28-year-old Alex Solorzano is now in his seventh week of blaming social distancing for his sexual inactivity, despite several years of sexual…
TACOMA, Wash. — Bassist Todd Francona, recently accused of sexual misconduct by several women, was just happy that his name was mentioned in an article…
MOAB, Utah — Local woman and alleged 10-year “social smoker” Keria Morley has virtually no known social life outside of walking her neighbor’s dog occasionally,…
CINCINNATI — Friendless, pathetic loser Sonny Robertson attempted to remedy his loneliness yesterday by starting a group text with his Verizon bill reminder texts and…
TACOMA, Wash. — Newlyweds Jane and Dalton Davis opted not to travel home for Thanksgiving, choosing instead to host a “Friendsgiving” and incidentally ensuring they’d…
LOS ANGELES — Industrial rock musician Marilyn Manson is growing increasingly frustrated and distraught over high-profile mass shootings in the U.S. and his apparent lack…
CLEVELAND — Lonely divorcée Gary Funk was caressed last night for the first time in years by venue security at Wednesday night’s Stone Temple Pilots…
PEORIA, Ill. — Local guitarist Matt Carlton asked his Sweetwater sales rep today to be in his wedding as his best man in a truly…
NEW YORK — Singer/multi-instrumentalist Corey Mathis successfully created the illusion of gang vocals last week by re-recording himself dozens of times, according to the credits…
Clothing is thrown carelessly about the room, the floor is littered with empty DVD cases, and every conceivable furniture surface is covered with empty bottles…