ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local gym rat Paul Deetz started his workout today with a full seven minutes of rest while the first track in…
WASHINGTON — President Trump expressed disappointment early Friday morning at being all caught up on his favorite TV shows following doctor’s orders to quarantine for…
NEW YORK — Quarantined man Michael Gray repeated his rigid daily routine moments ago when he turned off his alarm, got out of bed, and…
OSLO, Norway — Local guitarist Evan “Blood Vacuum” Brulend upset his bandmates yesterday when a filtering mishap revealed his corpse paint stopped just below his…
CINCINNATI — Local singer Troy Nickelson of shoegaze band Neon Leggings sat back and watched yesterday as his bandmates moved all of his belongings to…
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Irritated neighbors of yours confirm you fully lost your shit early this morning when you discovered the indie-rock band Los Combustibles while…
DURHAM, N.C. — Local father Bob Taggart spent all of last night’s show at the Steel Cup Lounge speaking with promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham, delving…
LOS ANGELES — Perpetually unemployed boyfriend Liam Womack announced yesterday that he will cease failing to author novels to pursue procrastinating on writing screenplays, apprehensive…
Honestly, I’m not really a lovey-dovey kind of guy, but Cat Stevens looks so gosh darn adorable curled up on my lap that I just…
AKRON, Ohio — A pair of bathing suit bottoms were called in to pick up an off-season shift this week after a local woman’s underwear…
ANAHEIM, Calif. — Your coworker Michael Banks, a 33-year-old office assistant and widely known flake, announced plans today to get everything sorted out by tomorrow…
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local DIY punk veterans the Splatz, who have been doing-it-themselves for nearly two years, now wish somebody else would step in to…
We have a problem in this country, an unfair immigration system that forces immigrants to risk their lives sneaking across the border, work jobs that…
So this is this water park you all wouldn’t shut up about, huh? This is not as amazing as you kids made it out to…
ROGERS, Ariz. — Local drummer and admitted “problem drinker” Jason Huff reportedly “had it” with a particular box of pizza bagels after being instructed to…