Ashley Naftule
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SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local realtor Aaron “Shredder” Dukowski can’t wait to show potential buyers exactly where a gruesome quadruple…
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Jay Shingle
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WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense began compiling a report this week aimed at assessing the viability of gender reveal…
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James Mahoney
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CHICAGO — Local anarcho-punk Noah Wallin claimed today that he is prepared to take the lives of Scottish indie-rock band…
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Billy Patterson
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PHILADELPHIA — Local bassist Aaron Scherzinger realized today that he only needs to murder two or three of his bandmates…
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Jeremy Kaplowitz
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NEW YORK — NYPD officer Martin Stuart heroically paused earlier today to reflect that chokeholds are now an illegal use…
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Caroline Smith
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WASHINGTON — In an effort to bring jobs back home to the U.S., President Trump ordered soldiers enlisted in the…
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EL PASO, Texas — Local musician Lenny Windsor was sentenced to two consecutive life sentences today for his part in…
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Kyle Erf
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CLEVELAND — Showgoer Timothy Boyce has become trapped in a mosh pit after his panicked flailing and aggressive shouting were…
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Ashley Naftule
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WASHINGTON — President Trump pardoned a 5-year old Bourbon Red turkey named Mikey this morning, sparking outrage amongst law enforcement…
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Freelancer
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PHILADELPHIA — Local coreman Alex Gonzalez was struck down by a hail of fists in a brutal crowdkilling incident at…
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