EL PASO, Texas — Local musician Lenny Windsor was sentenced to two consecutive life sentences today for his part in a wild game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” that occurred during his band’s most recent tour, court officials confirmed.
“I just want to apologize to my family, and I want to apologize to my bandmates and our fans for ruining the tour,” said Windsor after the sentencing. “I was young, dumb, and completely unaware that ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ is just a stupid game to pass the time, and does not actually require you to do any of those things.”
“If I could go back to that night, I would’ve just suggested rock, paper, scissors instead — the scissors might get bent up real bad, but that seems pretty minor compared to this,” he added.
The most damning testimony came from Windor’s bandmate Marcus Alvarez.
“We just stopped in Shamrock to get some gas, and I suggested we play a few rounds of FMK — the options I gave Len were ‘Girl working the drive-thru at Wendy’s,’ ‘Cow statue outside of Big Vern’s Steakhouse,’ and ‘Sam [Walsh], our singer,’” Alvarez admitted under oath. “He immediately stabbed Sam in the neck with a screwdriver and jumped out of the van and ran. It was chaos, so I didn’t even see what he did next.”
Witnesses described seeing Windsor covered in blood, running towards the cow statue with his pants down.
“My wife and I were celebrating our wedding anniversary at Vern’s, like we have for the last 17 years, and I see this maniac fornicate the dang statue,” said witness Clive Hyde during cross-examination. “I rushed out there and yelled, ‘Son, you best get the heck off Bessie there, or you’re gonna be in a world of trouble.’ And he ran right to the Wendy’s three stores down.”
18-year-old Wendy’s employee Kathy Hsu was the last person to speak to Windsor before he was taken into custody.
“He ran inside the store, half-naked, covered in blood, and dropped to one knee and said I was to be his wife,” said Hsu. “I told him I had a boyfriend, but he said we had to be married or he’d ‘lose.’ Thankfully, the cops came in shortly after and tackled him.”
Despite the sentencing, Windsor remained upbeat following the trial, claiming he’s looking forward to playing the license plate game in the El Paso Correctional Facility inmate labor metal shop.