ATHENS, Ga. — Local uncle and self-described “Make America Great Again Patriot” Jerry Siedow taped a handwritten setlist of prepared, unpopular opinions and comments next…
So, I was at Michael’s Craft Store the other day buying some last minute decorations for the upcoming religious holiday and, after checking out, the…
You’re standing alone at the family get together. Your little cousin walks up to you and makes eye contact and… yep, god dammit, he wants…
EARTH, Milky Way Galaxy — 2017 announced its resignation as our current year earlier today amidst numerous allegations of gross misconduct. “I’ve let a lot…
SALEM, Mass. — The parents of goth teenager Thomas Sullivan are uncertain how to properly stuff their son’s fishnet Christmas stocking, sources close to the…
LA LUZ, N.M. — Zoe Rivas was reunited last night with her family’s premium cable subscription immediately upon returning to her parents’ house for a…
CINCINNATI — Local father and metalhead Conrad Dungy has forbidden his children from opening up any mosh pits until Christmas morning, sources close to the…
AMERICA — Americans across the nation are struggling to remember their previous holiday traditions as they prep for their first Christmas season after eight years…
LODI, N.J. — A highly anticipated Christmas album from punk legends The Misfits consists primarily of songs about Halloween, multiple confused listeners confirmed. The album,…
NEW YORK — The Rabinowitzes, a family of New York hardcore Jews, have already finished their Hanukkah celebration this year, tearing through the entire process…
There is a great disturbance in the force: the disturbance of a healthy childhood. While the release of The Last Jedi is sure to bring…
SEATTLE — The War on Christmas took a disturbing turn this week when radicalized Starbucks employees released a shocking video showing the beheading of one…
EVANSTON, Ill. — Punk mother Danica Friedman announced she would be distributing a compilation of previously unreleased, rarely tasted Thanksgiving sides this year, family sources…
THE SUBURBS — Your mother left you a stern voicemail this morning, reminding you that if you want to participate in this week’s holiday festivities,…
WASHINGTON — President Trump pardoned a 5-year old Bourbon Red turkey named Mikey this morning, sparking outrage amongst law enforcement officials who insist the turkey…