CINCINNATI — Local father and metalhead Conrad Dungy has forbidden his children from opening up any mosh pits until Christmas morning, sources close to the…
AMERICA — Americans across the nation are struggling to remember their previous holiday traditions as they prep for their first Christmas season after eight years…
LODI, N.J. — A highly anticipated Christmas album from punk legends The Misfits consists primarily of songs about Halloween, multiple confused listeners confirmed. The album,…
NEW YORK — The Rabinowitzes, a family of New York hardcore Jews, have already finished their Hanukkah celebration this year, tearing through the entire process…
There is a great disturbance in the force: the disturbance of a healthy childhood. While the release of The Last Jedi is sure to bring…
SEATTLE — The War on Christmas took a disturbing turn this week when radicalized Starbucks employees released a shocking video showing the beheading of one…
EVANSTON, Ill. — Punk mother Danica Friedman announced she would be distributing a compilation of previously unreleased, rarely tasted Thanksgiving sides this year, family sources…
THE SUBURBS — Your mother left you a stern voicemail this morning, reminding you that if you want to participate in this week’s holiday festivities,…
WASHINGTON — President Trump pardoned a 5-year old Bourbon Red turkey named Mikey this morning, sparking outrage amongst law enforcement officials who insist the turkey…
HANSON, Mass. — Local punk Brandon Gardner will continue his annual Thanksgiving tradition of hiding from his family in his aunt’s garage, Gardner himself confirmed…
FREEHOLD, N.J. — High school junior Andy Moran gave his mother a Honey Clementine-scented Yankee Candle earlier today for Mother’s Day, a gift that, unbeknownst…
SCRANTON, Pa. — Frontman Devin Lewis reportedly surprised his new girlfriend during a Valentine’s Day performance by gifting her one of the two drink tickets he was…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local woman Sarah Abott reportedly had a personal “modern day Hanukkah miracle” this past week when, despite only having enough battery to…
ODENSE, Kan. — An ugly Christmas sweater has reportedly grown up into a beautiful bathrobe, in what one lucky local man described as a “Christmas…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — While the rest of the world is out buying presents for loved ones this holiday season, local man Benjamin Edwards is…