WOODSTOWN, N.J. — Local punk Alice Moretti thought of “the sickest” melody while shaving her armpits in the shower moments ago, only to forget it…
MUNCIE, Ind. – World-renowned, curmudgeonly orange cat Garfield has forgotten which day of the week he famously hates due to prolonged quarantine, comic strip sources…
LEMOYNE, Penn. — Roommate and all-around jackass Glen Sullivan reportedly drank the last beer in the house moments after having sex with your girlfriend of…
FREDERICK, Md. — Longtime punk band Booger Eater realized yesterday that it’s been over 10 months since they occupied a stage at a local bar…
LOS ANGELES — Local fuckup Jerry Millwater’s 2021 New Year’s resolution of “practice more self-care” is concerned about its upcoming fight with the overwhelming force…
CALABASAS, Calif. — 73-year-old Wagnerian rock legend Michael “Meat Loaf” Aday was appalled to learn yesterday that Millennials have accepted and even embraced the act…
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local crust punk Skye Mathtison is leaning hard into self-help culture for 2024, pinning pictures of his deepest desires of the dirtiest…
BOSTON — Local straight edge couple Alana Enders and Chris Lewis responsibly celebrated New Year’s Eve alone at home for the eighth consecutive year, sources…
SAN FRANCISCO — Airplane passengers aboard Delta flight 2871 from Chicago to Los Angeles are hoping local softboy Lou Mounton will eventually just cry himself…
ATLANTA — Dominique Jones, more popularly known to rap fans as Lil Baby, tragically passed away in his sleep last night due to apparent Sudden…
WASHINGTON — Congressional attempts to pass a COVID-19 stimulus bill once again reached an impasse yesterday after Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) introduced an amendment to…
NEW YORK — Progressive post-hardcore band Ganymede’s Gates reportedly realized moments ago that the entirety of their fanbase are “uncool nerds” whom they would never…
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Regal Cinemas CFO David Ownby asked his friend and HBO Max subscriber Richard Lansing yesterday to please share his HBO Max password…
HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Local married couple Colin and Vanessa Means’ marriage was saved yesterday after an impromptu stop at Spencer’s revamped their stagnant sex life.…
ARLINGTON, Texas — Local dishwasher Dale Bennett was suddenly imbued with the ability to play every Pantera riff yesterday after he was bit on the…