LOS ANGELES — Startling new models released today predict a massive spike in potential lovers subjecting their first dates to unsolicited details of their screenplays…
ROCKVILLE, Md. — Bethesda Softworks announced a new “Pandemic Update” for their hit RPG, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, in which the player character will…
WASHINGTON — President Trump’s experimental use of the anti-malarial drug Hydroxychloroquine has transformed the Commander-in-Chief from a boorish, morbidly obese, whiny turd into the suave…
NEW YORK — Local two-timer Thomas McGibbons is looking forward to the end of quarantine after being stuck with his second and more annoying family…
In these strange and uncertain times, it seems like the world we once knew is gone for good. But hey, hang in there! This pandemic…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Streaming giant Hulu announced Tuesday that, due to nationwide stay-at-home orders, fans of the mid-2000s sitcom “Scrubs” now must acknowledge the…
BOSTON — Ska legends The Mighty Mighty Bosstones announced today that they will reopen for business this week at 50% capacity by furloughing their horn…
ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Lifelong nerd Nate Guajardo emerged from a local Planet Fitness facility today “beefed out as fuck” after being trapped inside the gym…
ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are confirming that, following several states’ pushes to reopen, the coronavirus has experienced a…
NEW YORK — Local man Marc Ramsey has baked a life-size sourdough girlfriend to combat his quarantine-induced loneliness, concerned sources report. “When the pandemic first…
BROOKLYN — Quarantined punk Lex Sykes took to his own bathroom last week to practice his vandalism skills due to the ongoing closures of bars…
SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS — Professors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft admit they’re struggling with teaching students remotely via Zoom several months into a devastating outbreak of…
ST. LOUIS — Local punk band Dead Houseplants will play Locust Street’s Fubar in exchange for free exposure to COVID-19 yesterday after Missouri leadership gave…
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Margery Watson’s annual Mother’s Day breakfast-in-bed was obstructed by her unsightly ventilator due to complications from an advanced case of COVID-19, depressed…
RESTON, Va. — With America approaching a third month of quarantine due to COVID-19, gamer James Batson is reportedly battling a rare challenge: he is…