WILMINGTON, Del. — Newly vaccinated woman Denise Adame took advantage of her inoculated status late yesterday afternoon to step outside and take in the fresh, sweet smell of every scented candle in her local TJ Maxx store.
“It was a long, hard year, and most of it was spent cooped up inside my apartment with my three roommates. It took a while, but I finally got both of my shots, waited the two-week window, and I’m fucking back, baby!” Adame said while moving a curiously placed bottle of shallot-infused olive oil out of her way. “I’m so relieved to finally be able to get back to what I’ve been missing the most: spending anywhere from 10 to 35 minutes reading labels, popping caps off, and taking in big whiffs of some moderately-priced Clean Linen, Pineapple Dream or Bamboo Water Mist soy-blend candles.”
Fellow shoppers empathized with Adame’s post-lockdown priorities.
“After what we all just went through, I think everyone’s entitled to a little ‘me’ time in the great outdoors section of their local discount retailer,” explained local software engineer Carly Meehan. “As for me, the first thing I did when that Moderna shot kicked in was to feel the warm breeze of an Xlerator hand dryer in an Old Country Buffet bathroom. You really can’t know what you love until it’s taken away from you.”
Retail workers around the world reported being elated by the sight of hundreds of potential customers a day coming into their places of business and touching every single thing with their hands again.
“As a deemed essential worker, I’ve been able to come out into the world and cautiously avoid everyone this whole time, so I’m really happy to see so many people getting back to just dicking around in stores and moving stuff around so I can put it back. It’s why I wake up in the mornings,” stated Ryan Weems, a TJ Maxx employee only two hours away from his shift being over. “Not literally, I wake up every morning to catch the bus and the transfer I need to make it here on time, but still, seeing those happy faces that don’t acknowledge me as a person unless they need the bathroom key? Priceless.”
At press time, Adame had moved on from the candle section and was last seen in the reversible sequins pillows aisle.