James Knapp
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WEST LAWN, Penn. — A violent altercation in an IHOP parking lot yesterday between members of doom-metal band Savage Agnes…
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Dan Kozuh
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IRVINE, Calif. — Fastidious and strict Irvine Public High School Principal Gene Jensen was assaulted at work yesterday by the…
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Andrew Murphy
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SEATTLE — Perpetually single man Conner Turner ruined a promising first date last Friday when he brought up the infamous…
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Nick Ortolani
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PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described…
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Daniel Arnold
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SEATTLE — Dedicated grandfather and unapologetic metalhead Lyle Makowski carved the names of his two grandsons, Henry and Mitchell, on…
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Jason VanSlycke
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MILWAUKEE — A feral hair-metal band identifying itself as Twisted Sister broke into the home of and terrorized a local…
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Ted Pillow
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LONDON — Researchers at the London Institute of Hard Rock released new scientific findings today that suggest some British proto-metal…
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Mike Civins
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QUEENS, N.Y. — Aging metalhead Greg "Nailgun" Dellarose has replaced the patches on his battle vest with his important, personal…
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Collin Canning
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Anyone who’s ever been to a wedding can tell you the music is the main attraction. That’s why I poured…
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John Danek
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If Jimi Hendrix opened the door to what could be done on an electric guitar, Eddie Van Halen split-kicked that…
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