Billy Patterson
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TURNERSVILLE, N.J. — Teenage cannabis user Jared Luzinski was astonished to discover yesterday that ancient human beings once used fire…
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Tony Morse
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Venerated slumlord and accomplished kleptocrat Jared Kushner is a busy man. When he’s not leading the federal government’s lack of…
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Patrick Coyne
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BROOKINGS, S.D. — Professional carpenter and terrible navigator Trevor Grainger is already beginning to regret allowing his overwhelming hubris to…
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Neel Bhakta
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WREXHAM, U.K. — Increasingly unhinged survivalist and television host Bear Grylls used a serrated, fixed-blade knife yesterday to cut open…
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Lauren Lavín
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SOUTHBURY, Conn. — Local urban legend The Southbury Slasher could not complete his annual killing spree last week when his…
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ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Guests attending the wedding of Michaela Hill and Carlos Gibson were forced to admit to themselves…
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Taylor Roebuck
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TOLEDO, Ohio — Local crust punk Gabe Cox is tremendously worried that “radical left” gun control policies will result in…
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Brooks Gray
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TRENTON, N.J. — Local man Todd Branford was very surprised yesterday by the extremist beliefs of his former college friend…
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Ryan Danley
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PORTLAND, Ore. — The local apartment complex Oakwood Estates is allegedly really liberal with their definition of the term “estates,”…
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Jessica Carreiro
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LOS ANGELES — Yesterday’s discussion about polyamory between long-term couple Seth Roberts and Lindsey Wareheim came as a huge relief…
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