Damn girl, this night has been magical. Looking at you now has me breaking out into a cold sweat. Like a concerning amount of sweat.…
Hey, buddy. You know how earlier, when you got here, to your friend’s friend’s game night where you only know Dougie and you’ve only met…
With god as his wittiness, Michael Towne will never wake up violently hungover lying in a bed of empty White Claws and crushed potato chips…
At 38 and in a somewhat intentional bachelorhood after powerful, romantic relationships that ended slowly and grimly to send me to a therapist’s couch, I…
Wow, This White Rapper Raps Really Fast! But Not Fast Enough to Get a Bar Off Before I Skip the Song
Wow, This White Rapper Raps Really Fast! But Not Fast Enough to Get a Bar Off Before I Skip the Song
To the white guy wearing Jordan 1 mids while holding dual-citizenship in Tech N9ne’s DMs, it’s time for us to have a conversation about the…
Like the quests for the Fountain of Youth or the Holy Grail, I too have spent what feels like eons searching for something I thought…
It’s been said there are no such thing as coincidences, and that naturally occurring phenomena can be explained no matter how bizarre it may first…
So your favorite company did something ethically wrong and you want to start a boycott. Congratulations! A lot of people are under the impression that…
Hola. Mucho gusto. That means “Hi, pleased to meet you.” Did I learn that from your little fucking owl? ¡No! (That means “No!”). I learned…
Hey there! I see that you’re about to release a new track, so I thought I’d offer some words of wisdom. Your last song did…
As a musician, earning enough to buy a house is quite the feat and I’m damn proud of that. Now I can say that I’m…
Hot sauce is famously the only aphrodisiac that works when the other person eats it, but it’s no mystery why. It’s simple biology; pain tolerance…
Kids these days, what’s up with them? Seriously, we have no idea what the hell is going on with Gen Alpha and they are terrifying,…
Samantha and I got married at my father-in-law’s country club. Not our scene, but our friends and families had a great time. Until suddenly, someone…
There is probably no inalienable right greater than freedom of expression, and what better way to tell the world that you saw Hawthorne Heights at…