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Yes, That Slightly Weird Thing You Said Is Also the Only Thing Anyone Else Here is Thinking About (Guest Article by Your Brain)

Hey, buddy. You know how earlier, when you got here, to your friend’s friend’s game night where you only know Dougie and you’ve only met his boyfriend twice and you’re pretty sure his name is Russell but you’re waiting for someone else to say it first just to be sure, and someone (whose name you also can’t remember) asked if you wanted a deviled egg and you said, “No thanks, they remind me of my divorce,” and then after a pause you said, “I’m just kidding, I’ve never been married” and then conversation resumed but you interrupted because you felt the need to explain, “But if I had ever gotten married, we probably would have had deviled eggs at the reception, because my Aunt Casey always brings them, but then if we ever got a divorce I wouldn’t be able to eat deviled eggs because they would remind me of my divorce…. Anyway uhh, yeah, I will have one, thanks, sorry,” and no one laughed and you’ve thought of nothing else since that moment because you can’t understand for your life why you would attempt such a bizarre and contrived gamble of a joke like you’re some kind of homeschooled alien who grew up in a cult that sacrifices social cues?

Well, pal, newsflash: everyone else here has also been doing backflips inside their heads at that weird thing you just said. I know it seems like they’re acting normal and treating you like nothing even happened, but they’re just being polite to you (and not because they like you but because they pity you).

Yup, just as sure as that ringing sound you hear sometimes is definitely a tumor and your ex is laughing about your sexual inadequacies as we speak, everyone here hates you.

You see, we brains have a special connection that you flesh pods—that’s our cute little name for you—can’t understand. I can see what’s really happening in anyone’s brain at any moment, no matter what their dumb face is doing on the outside or what polite lies they may be spewing about wanting to know where you grew up and if you play disc golf with Dougie. And let me assure you, every brain in here is in sheer agony trying to figure out why those weird, weird words came out of your mouth.

You’ve totally destroyed the fabric of culture for every person in here. They’re all pissed off at you because now they have to spend this party picking up the pieces of the social constructs you’ve absolutely shattered instead of enjoying a night of Munchkins and other overly complicated board games that everybody here knows the rules to already and which you will never have the capacity to understand. How dare you do this to them! God, you really are such an asshole. Also, I think you left the oven on.