Unused Best Man Speech Salvaged for Eulogy
CLEVELAND — Local man Ryan Kaufman salvaged the majority of his unused best man speech yesterday after adding some minor…
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Patrick Coyne — Page 13
377 stories found
Horrified Mario Regrets Triple Jumping Into H.R. Giger Painting
METRO KINGDOM — Local adventurer Mario Mario is allegedly trapped inside an unsettling painting by modern artist H.R. Giger after…
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So-Called “Legitimate News Source” Doesn’t Even Confirm What Man Already Believes
TOLEDO, Ohio — The Observer-Gazette, a so-called “legitimate” local newspaper that has “allegedly won multiple prestigious awards,” failed to even…
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Punk’s Dickhead Boss Wouldn’t Give Him Day Off to Vote If He Had Job, Was Registered
ATLANTA — Quasi-political punk Aaron Scovell convinced himself yesterday that, if he had a job and was registered, his theoretical…
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Tired Woman Wondering if Husband Would Mind Just Licking Her Neck, Back Tonight
CARBONDALE, Ill. — Tired wife Ruby McDermott was reportedly “not in the mood” for sexual activity this evening, instead asking…
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Roommate Letting Crust Punk Soak for a Few Days Before Cleaning Him
WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Lily-Ann Greenaway is allowing a crust punk she met last week on a dating app…
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We Thought the School Janitor Killed People in the Boiler Room but Turns Out He’s Just Lonely and Lives Down There and Somehow That’s Much Worse
Everyone at my middle school knows the story of “Gus the Gouger,” the creepy old janitor that lures children into…
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47-Year-Old CPA Not Sure What to Make of MTV Finally Responding to His “Jackass” Audition Tape
PARKER, Colo. — Middle-aged CPA Ken Feeney has no idea what to think today after MTV enthusiastically responded to a…
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Lengthy Text Calling Out Parent’s Racism Changed to “haha” at Last Minute
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local millennial David Hickman Jr. very nearly sent his father a lengthy, impassioned explanation yesterday of…
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For Sale. 235 Reusable Grocery Bags. Never Used.
Every environmentally-minded millennial knows the pain of forgetting their reusable grocery bag. Unfortunately, it’s just too easy to buy a…
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