Wiccan Insists There’s a War on Solstice
ALLSTON, Mass. — Local goth and recent convert to Wicca Willow Bates is insisting to anyone who will listen that…
Read More →
Patrick Coyne — Page 12
377 stories found
Randy Quaid Voices Support for Trump Just in Time to Ruin Everyone’s Annual Viewing of “Christmas Vacation”
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — “Christmas Vacation” actor Randy Quaid voiced his support for President Trump yesterday, ruining every sane, cheer-deprived…
Read More →
Cocky Son of a Bitch About to Regret Turning Off GPS Early
BROOKINGS, S.D. — Professional carpenter and terrible navigator Trevor Grainger is already beginning to regret allowing his overwhelming hubris to…
Read More →
Cool Boss with Guitar in Office Totally Chill about Rampant Sexual Harassment
NEWARK, N.J. — Self-proclaimed “cool boss” Ken Hammond, who often plays guitar in his office and regularly drinks with his…
Read More →
After 60 Years of Studying, Jane Goodall Declares Broiling Best Way to Cook Chimps
LONDON — World-famous primatologist Dame Jane Goodall announced today that, after 60 years of studying chimpanzees in their native habitat,…
Read More →
World War 2 Code Breaker Asked to Decipher Pavement Lyrics
VOORHEES, N.J. — Local grandmother and World War 2 hero Dorothy Schuler was asked yesterday by her grandson Darin Roche…
Read More →
7 Movies I Think Could Never Be Made Today Because I’m a Fucking Dumbshit
It’s no revelation to say that most of the great comedies of yesteryear couldn’t be made today. The cultural climate…
Read More →
LEGO Customer Service Rep Knows This Call Not About “Son’s” Toy
ANAHEIM, Calif. — LEGO customer service representative Janice Kirkland was well aware that caller and middle-aged man Mike Doherty was…
Read More →
Quoting 20-Year-Old Local Car Dealership Ad Only Thing Siblings Still Have in Common
OLIVETTE, Mo. — Siblings Freddy and Kevin Rosario have separately come to the unfortunate conclusion that quoting a “Plimpton Auto”…
Read More →
Where Are They Now? All the Whiny Ass MAGA Bitches That Used To Clog My Newsfeed
It seems like just yesterday those Trump-loving, dumbass crybaby MAGA bitches were clogging up my Facebook feed with racist propaganda,…
Read More →