Patrick Coyne, Author at HARDTIMES

February 15, 2021

JONESBORO, Ark. — Local burnout Declan Goddard finally achieved his long-term goal of securing a “sort of funny” and “only…

February 14, 2021

SHERMER, Ill. — A heavily scripted and complex romantic gesture made by local man Chase Stratford last week reportedly swept…

February 11, 2021

WARREN, Mich. — Millennial Jamie Thorpe suffered a retail-induced panic attack yesterday after hearing several beloved bands from her youth…

January 28, 2021

OAKLAND, Calif. — Seminal punk band Green Day are reportedly heading back into the studio this week to record a…

January 27, 2021

SALINE, Mich. — Supposed “lame-ass” history teacher Trevor Rubio failed student Rachel Traynor yesterday for insisting that Neutral Milk Hotel…

January 17, 2021

SUMMERVILLE, S.C. — Local man Aaron Metcalfe is hoping today that one of the apparently hundreds of horny MILFs in…

December 24, 2020

Of all the questions that children and children at heart have for the jolly old elf St. Nicholas, number one…

December 21, 2020

ALLSTON, Mass. — Local goth and recent convert to Wicca Willow Bates is insisting to anyone who will listen that…

December 14, 2020

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — “Christmas Vacation” actor Randy Quaid voiced his support for President Trump yesterday, ruining every sane, cheer-deprived…

December 7, 2020

BROOKINGS, S.D. — Professional carpenter and terrible navigator Trevor Grainger is already beginning to regret allowing his overwhelming hubris to…