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Our Editor Is on Vacation, so Here’s All 311 Ska Pun Headlines He Rejected This Year

Every year, our editor’s doctor forces him to take a vacation before his job causes a mental breakdown. As you can imagine, reviewing and rejecting the hundreds of asinine ska pun headlines we writers submit takes a toll.

But, as this just so happens to be his vacation week, we thought we’d risk our jobs and post all of those dumb headlines without his permission.

Here’s all 311 ska pun headlines rejected by our editor has already rejected:

    1. Depressed Bosstone Not Feeling So Mighty Mighty
    2. Real Big Phish Fan Mocks Reel Big Fish Fan
    3. Poll Reveals That Alaska’s Favorite Genre Of Music Is, Alas, Ska
    4. Rude Boi Turned College Frat Bro Pumped to Go Skankin Tonight
    5. Ska Fan Scott Changes Name to Skatt
    6. Reformed Ska Frontman has Checkered Past
    7. Stop Your Messing Around With The Mirror in the Bathroom at Our House
    8. Ska Fan with Severe Carpal Tunnel Can No Longer Pick It Up
    9. Ska Janitor Picks It Up
    10. Baggage Mixup Leaves Trombone Player With Lowly Trumpet
    11. Jamaica to Launch New Weather Skatalite
    12. The Only Way to Stop a Bad Guy with a Gun is a Rude Boy With a Gun
    13.  Midwest Ska Band Pushing the Limits With Band Name WiSKAnsin
    14. Trumpet Player Only Says Happy SKAlidays
    15. Vegan Ska Fan Refuses to Wear Pork Pie Hat
    16.  Kid Rock Pivots With ‘Skawitdaba’ Remix
    17. Operation Ivy Board Game Penalizes You Each Time You Don’t Pick It Up, Pick It Up
    18. Unwashed Rude Boy Comes Down with a Case of Skabies
    19. Jewish Rude Boy Celebrated by Saying Skazletov
    20. Prince Buster Usurps King Tubby
    21. Rude Boy Gets Knocked Down, Gets Back Up Again, No One Gonna Keep Him Down. He Gets Knocked Down…
    22. Ska Math Teacher Discovers Answer to be Less Than or Equal to Jake
    23. SaSKAtchewan. That’s It, That’s the Headline
    24. Girl Not That Kind of Skank
    25. High School Marching Band Just One Good Party Away from Becoming Ska Band
    26. WWE Debuts Confusing New Wrestler “Hackska” Jim Duggan
    27. Parents Worried about Daughter “Going Skanking” for All the Wrong Reasons
    28. “Do I Make You Horny?” – Skaustin Powers
    29. Reel Big Fish Show Doesn’t Sell Out
    30. Perfectly Healthy Ska Chihuahua Put Down
    31. Reagan Administration Responsible for Introducing Crack Rock Steady Into lower Income Neighborhoods
    32. Rude Boy Now Polite Boy
    33. We Talked to Paul Simonon about the Time He Invented Ska
    34. New Region of Skandanavia Delights Ska Fans, Angers Hard Times Editor
    35. Mother Receives Gift Certificate for One Hour Ska Treatment
    36. White Ska Hard Seltzer Selling Poorly
    37. Touring Rude Boys Can’t Find a Single Skaliday Inn for Tonight
    38. Mardi Ska Attracts Wrong Kind of Skanking
    39. Ska Website Requires 2 Tone Verification
    40. Olive Garden Offering Unlimited Skaghetti For Checkerboard Clad Patrons
    41. Boogie-Boarding Ska Fan Prefers Third Wave
    42. Rude Boy Diagnosed with Leukaemiska
    43. Group of Actual Suicide Machines Form Suicide Machines Cover Band
    44. Specials to Play in Their Home Town (Toooowwwwn)
    45. We Accidentally On Purpose Offended Rancid
    46.  Hunter on Skafari Kills Black and White Checkered Tiger
    48. We made the NebraSKA pun but what about AlaSKA
    49. Prude 311 Fan Promises Not to Cum Unless It’s Original
    50. Skangress Fails To Provide Proper Checkers and Balances
    51. You Won’t Fire Me, Bill – You Don’t Have the SKAlls
    52. Investigation: Do Reel Big Fish Members Have Reel Big Dick?
    53. Good Skamaritan That Sees Man Drop Book Helps Him Pick It Up Pick It Up Pick It Up
    54. Diva Ska Frontman’s List of Venue Demands Includes Assorted Jelly Beans
    55. Woman that Started a Ska Band to Take 6 Months Skaternity Leave
    56. Mighty Mighty Bosstones Open New SKAting Rink
    57. The Specials Ghost Town Played at Halloween Party for Some Reason
    58. Ska-Themed Italian Restaurant, “Ska-ma Mia!”, Goes Out of Business
    59. Madness Announces Health Care Plan That Goes One Step Beyond Other Plans
    60. Rolling Stone Names “Theme Song to Nickelodeon’s Kablam!” Greatest Ska Song of All Time
    61.  Band Name Skacophony a Little Too on the Nose
    62. Shitty Punk Band Refers to Self as SKAtological
    63. Skalmond Milk
    64. Skat Pilgrim vs the World
    65. Rude Boy Charged with Skaggravated Skassault
    66. Michael Ska-tt
    67. Remembering David Foster Wallace, Author of Infinite Skank
    68. No, No, My Band The UpStrokes Is Not What You Think- It’s Actually A Strokes Ska Cover Band
    69. Nice
    70. Flint, Michigan Still Has No Clean Water For Dehydrated Ska Band After Intense Skank Sesh
    71. All 3 Ska Fans Gather for Historic Photo
    72. Trumpet Player Doing Improvised Solo is SKAting on Thin Ice
    73. Metalliska Announces New Album “And Trumpets For All…”
    74. Margot Robbie Nabs Role In Punk Remake, I, Ska-nya
    75. We Review The Salman Rushdie Musical The Skatanic Verses
    76. Boo! A Madea Skalloween
    77. Skamarama… It’s Exactly What it Sounds
    78. IHOS: International House of Skankakes
    79. Ska Band Formed After Marching Band Member Buys First Bag of Weed
    80. Kinky Ska Trombonist Wishes Boyfriend Would “Lick It Up, Lick It Up, Lick It Up”
    81. Grittier, More Twisted Joker Asks “Do You Want To Know How I Got All These Ska Records?”
    82. Ska Trombone Player About to Be Ska Trombone Twirler for Next Three Horn-Less Songs
    83. Ska Trumpeter Brings Tinder Date Home, Pulls Out the Valve Lube
    84. Walking Bassline Walks Right Out of Ska Rehearsal
    85. Hearing-Impaired Ska Guitarist Worried About Getting Hairy Palms From Frequent Syncopation
    86. OH. MY. SKAD, Becky, Look at that SKANK.
    87. Skattles: Skank the Rainbow
    88. Ska Singer Has Checkered Past
    89. Ska Covers Of The Score From Darren Affronosky’s Requiem For A Dream to be tittled Skaquiem For A Dream
    90. “Macho Man” Randy Skavage – “Ohhhhhhh Yeahhhhh”
    91. Christianity Ends After Scholars Reveal His Name Was Actually Jesus Skarist
    92. SKAlars
    93. Limited Edition “Ska Croix” Comes In Black-And-White Can, Tastes  Fedora Sweat
    94. Ska Guitarist Only Masturbates Using Up Strokes
    95. Human Chess Board Doubles as Ska Dance Floor on Fridays
    96. Goldfingers Superman Gets Gritty Reboot
    97. Band Called “Skank Sinatska” Apparently The Best That Nine People Could Come Up With
    98. Kinky Trombone Player Really into Buskkakes
    99. Jewish Ska Band Looking for a Shofar Player
    100. X-ray of Frontman’s Skaleton Reveals Black and White Checkered Lesions
    101. Richard Simmons produces “Skanking to the Oldies” for Out of Shape Ska Fans
    102. Depressed Rude Boy Listens To The Toasters In Bathtub</li
    103. Oh My Skad, Everybody Please Skap! I Skan’t Take It Skanymore! I’m Going Inskane!
    104. Aging Ska Fan Finding it More Difficult to Get It Up, Get It Up, Get It Up
    105. Annual Skatoberfest Once Again Ends in Bloodbath
    106. Neighborhood Rude Boys Play Game Of Skaps And Skabbers
    107. Scene Legend Tragically Succumbs to Skaneurysm
    108. Opinion: No, YOU’RE Resisting Skarrest
    109. But Skaft! What Light Through Yonder Window Skanks?
    110. Guest Skarticle by William Skankspeare
    111. Ska Band Holds Intervention To Prevent Trombone Player From Sliding Further Into Addiction
    112. You Can Probably Guess The Title Of This Ska Cover Of Eurotrip’s Scotty Doesn’t Know
    113. Two Tone Label Acquired By Chess Records
    114. SKA
    115. Skasus Christ: Skaperstar
    116. Ska? Ska ska ska, ska. Ska! Ska, Ska
    117. Ska Fan Massively Disappointed By Tommy Tutone Concert
    118. Less Than Jake Recruited by the LA County Jail to Participate in Their Diversionary Program Ska’ed Straight.
    119. Rude Boy Blossoms Into Rude Man
    120. Skap in the Name of Love
    121. Rude Girl Misinterprets Catcall and Begins Skanking on Street
    122. Man Prefers Less is More Than Jake
    123. Opinion: I Saw the Best Ska Minds of My Generation Destroyed by the Ska Band Madness, Skanking Hysterical Naked, Dragging Themselves Through the Streetlight Manifesto at Dawn Looking for a Two-Tone Fix Angelheaded Rude Boys Burning for the Ancient Heavenly Connection to the Ska Dynamo in the Machinery of the Night.
    124. Aging Ska Band Has Difficulty Retaining Tromboners
    125. Humble-but-Jaded Ska Pioneer Mike Park Refuses to Toot Own Horn
    126. Weird Pervert Totally Fine With Any Direction Ska-t Porn Takes
    127. Band Can’t Decide When, How Many Ska Puns to Put Into Lake Titicaca-based Band Name
    128. Stop Your Messing Around and Get Your Heart Checked for Signs for Heart Disease
    129. Trombone Player for Mario Skart Quits Band to Start Doing Things that Might Get Him Laid
    130. 2019 Marks 30 Year Anniversary of Ska-la-caust
    131. Ska Team 6 Neutralizes Oskama Bin Laden
    132. Two Tone Mariachi Debuts as Ska-la-peño
    133. Local Chef Makes a Mean Shrimp Ska-mpi
    134. Guy in Grey Suit Swears it was Checkered Before the Wash
    135. Ska-lo-ween Comes Earlier and Earlier Every Year
    136. Skanks-giving Marks Start of Checkerboard Season
    137. Check out this SKAteboarder Over Here
    138. Calvin, I Know You’re Scrolling Through This Article, And I Couldn’t Think of a Better Way to Confess. I’ve Been Cheating on You For Years.
    139. Punk Scored Less Than Jake on SAT Test
    140. Ska Themed Game “Pick It Up Pick It Up Pick It Up Sticks” Silently Pulled From Shelves
    141. Buck-O-Nine Record On Sale for Buck-O-Five
    142. Fishbone, Reel Big Fish, and Citizen Fish Just Gonna Not Talk About It
    143. Big D Finally Old Enough To Have Holiday Dinner With Adults
    144. Ska Stripper Does 3 Minute Skank Routine to Operation Ivy’s “Unity”
    145. True Life: My Husband is a No Doubt Apologist
    146. Reel Big Fish Smaller In Person
    147. Skanking Racist Forms Body Into Shape of a Swasti-ska
    148. Trombone Prodigy Earns Full Ride Skalarship to Skallege
    149. Reel Big Fish Reveals Who Had To Knock On Wood
    150. Big D Seated At The Kids Table For Skanksgiving
    151. New ‘Skarface’ Remake Follows A Rude Boy’s Rise From Refugee To Riffugee
    152. Girl Skaout Earns Badge For Memorizing Every One Of Tomas Kalnoky’s Musical Projects
    153. I Am the Great Skaholio. I Need T.P. for my Skahole
    154. Fuckin Ska it’s Great
    155. GyneSKAlogist Wears Black and White Checkered Lab Coat
    156. Parents Send Child to Room for Being Rudeboy.
    157. Rudeboy Only Swims With Upstrokes, Drowns
    158. Skatological Humor Somehow More Immature than Scatological Humor
    159. Ska-o-lantern
    160. Ska-nner Darkley
    161. On Strike Ska Band Replaced by Skabs
    162. Hip Counselor Reads Campers Ska-ry Stories to Tell in The Dark
    163. Million of Rude Boys Nuked After Skanet Gains Sentience
    164. Due to Typo Scatman John Replaced at Festival by Ska Man John
    165. Show Somehow Features Two Bands Called Lucy in the Ska with Diamonds
    166. At Risk Punks Ska-d Strait
    167. 11 Rude Boys Dead, 6 More Wounded in Ma-Ska-cure
    168. Bruce Springsteen to be Joined By Horn Section on New Recording of Nebraska.
    170. Skabortions (it’s late and i cant sleep)
    171. OPINION: Its Adam and Eve Not Rude Boy and Steve
    172. Lonely Rude Boy Uses Only Upstrokes
    173. Opinion: The Brass Section Makes Me Horny
    174. Fourth Wave of Ska Drags Unsuspecting Punk Out to Sea
    175. Scientists Warn About Planet’s Shrinking Supply of Ska Puns
    176. McIlhenny Announces First Annual TobaSKA music festival
    177. Breaking: Jesse Michaels Hospitalized in East Bay. Needs Operation, I.V.
    178. Ska Tune Network Sued by Cartoon Network for Infringing on “Friendless Dork” Demographic
    179. Mephiskapheles Song Accused of Hiding Backmasked Satanic Messages, Listenable Music
    180.  Way of the Skamurai
    181. Rudeboy Dies of Autoerotic Skaphyxiation
    182. Skanking, We Know This One’s Too Easy
    183. Ska Parent Warns 18 Year Old Son Stop His Messing Around, Better Think Of His Future
    184. Parents Beg Daughter To Chase After Bad Boy Instead Of Rude Boy
    185. HUP!
    186. DNA Test Proves There is Actually Only One Ska Song
    187. Skank of the Union: Alaska set to release split with Nebraska
    188. Rude Boy Revolutionaries Form United States of Skamerica
    189. Jesus Christ there’s so many more ugh
    190. Buck-O-Nine Reference Wasted on Old Lady Running This Yard Sale
    191. Chihuahua Crossbred with Loser, Virgin, Nerd Dog to Create First Ever Skahuahua
    192. Rude Boy Wears Nicest Checkered Fedora to Job Interview
    193. Top 5 Hours of My Life I Wasted Coming Up with Ska Puns
    194. Reel Big Fish Fan Looking for New Lawn Mower Thinks He’ll Have Himself a Deere
    195. Ska Labor Activist Rallies the Skank File Members
    197. Wreckage of Thomas the Skank Engine Crash Picked Up, Picked Up, Pick Up
    198. The Bosstone Announced as Newest Character in Super Skash Brothers
    199. Ska Fan Disappointed by 2013 Daniel Radcliffe Vehicle ‘Horns’
    200. Ska Fan’s Pilgrimage to Skandanavia Nowhere Near As Checkered As Expected
    201. Our Review of the 2006 Romantic Comedy The Skaliday, Starring Jude Skaw, Skate Winslet, Jack Ska, and Cameron Rudeboy
    202. It’s Skatastic!
    203. Ska Fans Bathroom Tile Choice Unsurprising
    204. Owning Checkerboard Vans Is Not A Gateway To Ska.
    205. Hey You! Don’t Read That! Read This!
    206. Give a Man a Skank, Hes Uncool for a Day, Teach a Man to Skank and Hes Uncool for the Rest of his Life
    207. Don’t Touch the Floor! The Floor is Skava!
    208. Opinion: You’re Not Ska, Unless You Live Ska
    209. New Band “Explosions In The Ska” Going About As Well As You’d Think
    210. Rudeboy Doctor Recommends 30 Minutes of Vigorous Skardio a Day
    211. When Your Name is Rudy, Every Text Is A Message To You
    212. New Goldfinger Album Feels The Same
    213. Skaimee Mann to Produce Soundtrack for Paul Thomas Skanderson Film “Skagnolia”
    214. High School Band Brass Section All Receives College Ska-lerships
    215. Hot New Drink Mimoska is Just Champagne and Juice While Someone Plays Trumpet in Your Fucking Face
    216. Donald Trumpet Running For President of the U.S.K.A.
    217. If You Feel Personally Skattacked by These Puns, Let Us Know in the Skamments!
    218. Former Ska Fan Regrets His Checkered Past
    219. Ska Fan Always Horny
    220. Ska Spa Gives Rusty Trombones Instead of Happy Endings
    221. Sylvester Skallone to Star in the Movie “Skap, or My Mom Will Skank”
    222. New Ska Board Game “Operation Ivy” Fucking Sucks
    223. Sublime Replaces Louie Dog by Splicing DNA of Dalmatian and Rome
    224. Back to the Future Themed Ska Band “Great Ska!” Only Plays Huey Lewis Covers
    225. Reel Big Fish to Star in Stephen King Remake “The Skashank Redemption”
    226. 18 Year Old Band Shows Up at Mike Park’s Doorstep, Claiming He is Its Father
    227. Ska Fan Masturbates Using Only UpstrokesRude Boy’s Vespa Keeps Making a Noise  “Tsh-Tsh Tsh Tsh, Tsh-Tsh Tsh Tsh, Hup Hup Hup Hup!”
    228. Ska Mass Shooter Writes Streetlight Manifesto
    229. Real Life Ska? This Guy Skas!
    230. New Orleans Voodoo Museum Decorated With Glowing Skulls Has Never Heard of the Band You Keep Referencing
    231. Ska Festival at Capacity Before Any Tickets Sold
    232. this is just a straight up good headline
    233. Interview With The Skammunists Frontman Joseph Skalin
    234. Pietasters to Headline Local Bake Sale
    235. Federal Government Appoints Operation Ivy’s “Take Warning” as New Director of FEMA
    236. Man Regrets Pitching 311 Joke Article
    237. Ice-T Confirms “Fuck the Police” Actually About Ska Brutality
    238. Ska Band Bankrupt by Brass Tax
    239. These are em-brass-rassing, ska-pologies…
    240. Matt Skankome
    241. Ska-rissy Howard
    242. Jeremy Skaplowitz
    243. Mike Skamory
    244. Eric Skavarro
    245. Bush Did Ska 9/11
    246. Seven Trumpets signal the Skapocolypse
    247. Mark Skassenfratz
    249. Parker Brothers Launches Skanopoly
    250. Ska’ck Me  a Hurricane
    251. If You’re Reading This I’m Trapped Under a Pile of Old Newspapers in my Attic Send Ska Help
    252. A Stitch in Time Skas Nine (Trumpeters)
    253. Eggo Announces Checkered Pattern “Skaffles”
    254. Jerry Skafield Dated a 17 Year Old When He Was 38
    255. 1990s Ska Fan Begins Descent Into Madness
    256. UB40 Now B Way Older Than 40
    257. Area Dork Still Reading List of Ska Puns
    258. Ska Hot Dog Stand Sells Aquabrats Topped With Mustard Plug Served With Skankin Pickle All For a Buck-O-Nine
    259. Opinion: A Penny Saved is a Pennywise (is Pennywise Ska? I Don’t Know)
    260. Ska-tegories
    261. Ska Trek
    262. Alt-Right Rude Boy Denies the Skalocaust
    263. Hopeful Racist Ska Band Can’t Decide on Swastika, Skastiswa, or Skastika
    264. Ska Cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” Called “Skallelujah,” Still Better Than the Original
    265. …Are We There? This is Starting to Hurt.
    266. Jimmy Skallon Keeps Laughing While Trying to Skank
    267. Cannibal Skalocaust Director Accused of Subjecting Real Animals to Ska
    268. A Can Opener but Ska Somehow
    269. The NFL on Fox Robot but He’s Skanking or Something
    270.  Maybe a Rudeboy Uses Skype and Calls it Skape? Ugh
    271. He Was A Ska-ter Boy, She Said Fuck Off
    272. Joseph Skalin Dictates and Devastates Over The Union of Soviet Socialist Rudeboys (USSR)
    273. Opinion: I Skaoff at Your Bad Ska Puns
    274. Angry Angry Bosstone Writes Skathing Review of Trumpet Mic
    275. Opinion: I’m the Ska-atman!
    276. The Ska’s The Limit!
    277. Ska-rlet Johansson Signs On For Black And White Checkered Widow Movie.
    278. PanSka-kes. Right? Am I Doing it Right?
    279. Rude Boy Denied Dessert by Mumsie
    280. Skatt Aukerman
    281. Cesar Skalad
    282. Ska Prisoner Asking to Swap Black and White Striped Jumpsuit for Checkered One
    283. Ska Band Concerned Concerned for Bassist’s Mental Health After Seeing Him Reading Skalvia Plath
    284. Linkin Park? More Like Stinkin Farts (so this but about a ska band)
    285. Ska Nearly Killed Me
    286. Hotel Rwskanda
    287. Third Wave Ska Fan, Third Wave Coffee Fan, Argue Over Who is More Insufferable
    288. Mom Making Her Famous Pork Pie for Skanksgiving This Year
    289. Racist Ska Band Swastiska Baffles Everyone
    290. Les Skavy Fav
    291. Skarget to Run Out Local Ska & Pop Businesses
    292. Koyaanisqatsi Replaces Philip Glass Music for Upcoming Remix Koyaani-Ska-tsi
    293. Ska Band Chosen as Opener so Main Act can Use Horns on That One Song they Have
    294. Wisconsin… Wis-SKA-nsin? No? Ok
    295. Goldfinger Here in Your Bedroom Just Until They Save Up Enough for Their Own Place
    296. Skavengers: End Game Surpasses Skavatar as Top Grossing Movie of All-Time
    297. Brett Skavanaugh Denies Record of Horny Offenses
    298. Link 80 to Open for 404 Error
    299. Elizabeth Skarren Vows to End Government Skarruption
    300. Streetlight Manifesto Linked to Mass Skanking
    301. Ska Punk Guitarist Only Knows Three Horn Players in Own Band
    302. Identical Octuplets Form One-Man Ska Band
    303. Millennials at Save Ferris Show Don’t Get Ska Reference
    304. Help! Aging Bosstones Dancing Guy Has Fallen and Can’t Pick It Up!
    305. Opinion: Trump’s Brass Tariffs Create Opening for China to Emerge as Ska Superpower
    306. FBI Creates National Registry of Ska Fans
    307. Real-Life Jurassic Park? Scientists Resurrect 311 with DNA from Chick Immersed In ‘Amber’
    308. Man Forces Terrible Ska Pun to Get List to 311
    309. Alt-right band with horns sick of being called Skazis
    310. Parks & Rec Themed Ska Band Ron Skanson Not Going Anywhere Anytime Spoon
    311. Gaslight Anthem admit they just right-clicked Streetlight Manifesto in MS Word to get their name

    The Hard Times writers hope you enjoyed this list. And as we will almost definitely be fired for publishing this, it’s been a pleasure writing punk and punk-adjacent comedy for you all!