New Yorker Refuses to Acknowledge Chicago Pizza Rat as Legitimate Rodent
NEW YORK — Lifelong city resident Danny Rossi started a campaign early this week denouncing the legitimacy of a city…
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Ben Friedman — Page 33
350 stories found
40-Year-Old Pretty Sure He Now Mature Enough to Recreate “Jackass” Stunts at Home
LANCASTER, Pa. — Longtime “Jackass” fan and father of three, Kyle McGarvin, believes he is finally mature enough to recreate…
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Punk’s Only Form of ID Just Last Name Tattooed Across Stomach
ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Scene legend known only as “Kowalski” has informed multiple local bars and government entities that the…
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Report: Being Crushed by Falling Piano Still Funniest Way to Die
WASHINGTON — A CDC annual report detailing the various causes of death in the United States noted that “being crushed…
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Woodpecker Absolutely Going to Town on Kid’s Memorial Tree
AUBERRY, Calif. — A local woodpecker, ignoring the desperate pleas of parents, continued to go completely apeshit on a tree…
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‘Blue Lives Matter’ Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security
FREEHOLD, N.J. — Local mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a known ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore…
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Aging Punk Ordered to Inform Neighbors He is a Registered Poser
LOS ANGELES — Aging punk Mike Cruz was ordered by the Council of Punk Legitimacy to inform his neighbors that…
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Hey There Delilah, I’m Writing About Your Vehicle’s Extended Warranty
Hey there Delilah, I’m writing to you about your vehicle's extended warranty. I’m a thousand miles away, but I’ve sent…
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Man Still Haunted by His Botched Nickelodeon Toy Run in 1994
VERONA, N.J. — Local 36-year-old Jordan Wilkins still hasn’t forgiven himself for completely botching his shopping spree during 1994’s “Nickelodeon…
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This Machine Sends Articles From the New Yorker to Fascists
Years from now we’re going to look back in this era of American history and examine what each and every…
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